Losing My Hair

Losing My Hair - December 11th

How do you prepare to lose your hair?  I know it’s going to happen.  I also know my limitations and watching my hair fall out in clumps is beyond what I can handle.  I have called a local salon and set up an appointment to get my hair “cut”.  I explained my story and they kindly made an appointment for a time when I would be the only customer there.  I decide to bring along a good friend/neighbor.  I know she will keep my spirits up and I’m pretty sure she has already seen me cry, so I know she’s cool.  I’m nervous, but yet strangely calm.  I’m most nervous that there will be some type of hidden bump on my skull or a weird looking birthmark that has always been covered by hair.  That’s just what I need…to have cancer, be bald, and have a huge birthmark in the shape of an alligator, or pineapple, or something on my head. 

I get to the salon and sit in the chair.  My hair is long and I plan to donate it to Locks of Love  http://www.locksoflove.org/ maybe someone else can get some good use out of it.  I see that the stylist is a bit nervous.  This is probably the first time she has ever shaved a woman’s head.  I ask her.  Yep, definitely the first time.  She begins by cutting off the pigtails she put my hair into.  That part was easy.  Then she gets out the electric razor.  I think her hand is shaking a little bit.  I can’t decide whether or not to watch as she does it.  My friend suggests NOT watching.  Probably a good idea.  It’s weird to feel the razor against my scalp and see the hair falling all around me.  I can feel the stylist’s cold hands on my head.  I wonder if I am making a mistake but then I remember that the alternative is worse.  I don’t want to feel that the cancer is taking my hair.  Shaving it makes me feel I have a little bit of control.  I know either way, I’m going to lose it.  I start to feel better.  Yeah!  I get the “I’m going to kick cancer’s butt” attitude.  Who needs hair anyway?  Besides, it will grow back…eventually.  Yeah!  I’m in control of this thing.  Wait. She’s finished?  Okay.  She asks me if I’m ready to see it.  Yep, I’m ready.  Turn this chair around!  I’m a strong woman.  I don’t need hair.  HOLY SH#%!!!!!  I see myself in the mirror!!!!  I immediately cry.  It is so weird to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.  My ears look so big!  I can’t believe I have no hair.  I get my emotions in check and thank the stylist.  She does not charge me and doesn’t accept any payment.  She has been so sweet this whole time.  I have to remember to write a thank you note and send it to her with a tip.  We get ready to leave.  I just realize I have nothing to cover my head.  I put on my hood and we drive home. 

When I get home, I see Jeff and pull my hood off.  I start to cry.  Really cry.  It’s a hard “oh my God, I have no more hair” cry.  Jeff hugs me and assures me it’s going to be okay.  He makes me feel better.  I hate it when the kids see me cry.  They are wide eyed and unsure of my new “hairdo”.  They too assure me that it’s okay.  I don’t think they know how to respond to their newly bald mom weeping and sobbing.  I go take a shower and quickly realize how weird this all is.  What do I use to wash my head?  Shampoo?  Bar soap? Facial soap?  Is there some type of special soap for bald heads?  I decide that there must not be any special soap.  Jeff has never mentioned it.  I wonder if I will ever get used to this.     

Looking on the Bright Side…no hair = very low maintenance.  I no longer have to spend a few hours minutes blow-drying, brushing, styling, curling, straightening, putting my hair in a ponytail.

my "haircut"