It's Cancer, Are You Sure?

It’s Cancer, Are You Sure? – Thursday, October 18^th

How can it be cancer? Both lumps were cancer.  That’s pretty much all I heard.  I CANNOT possibly have breast cancer.  Here are the numerous reasons why

·         I’m only 32!

·         I don’t have any family history of breast cancer.  None.

·         I have two little kids and plan to have more

·         I’m healthy

·         I eat well (for the most part...I do have a major sweet tooth)

·         I’m physically active and work out (okay, maybe not as often as I should, but still)

·         I’m not overweight or underweight

·         I do not smoke or do drugs

·         I drink only occasionally

These are extras that I added just because I think it’s important to note

·         I floss, EVERY DAY

·         I am super clean.  I keep a clean house and clean children. 

·         I (along with my husband and kids) wash our hands frequently and correctly.  We also cough and sneeze into our elbows.  Always!

·         I keep at least 2 bottles of hand sanitizer with me at all time, and disinfectant wipes, and plastic gloves.  I told you I’m clean.  Did I mention also a bit neurotic?

·         I do yoga

·         I always wear sunscreen

·         I always wear my seatbelt and drive with my hands at the 10 and 2 position.  It’s true, my friends make fun of me for it.

You get the point.  I am nowhere near perfect but come on!  Cancer? Not fairL

I don’t have time for cancer.  I kept waiting for the doctor to tell me it was a mistake, he was looking at the wrong file.  It sounds dumb, but I really thought he might say “Oops, never mind.  Silly me, I was looking at the wrong file.  Here’s your file.  Yep, you’re fine.  On your way.” This can’t be happening.  I’m so glad Jeff was with me.  Except we drove separately to the hospital.  We met there after work.  I have to drive all the way home by myself. 

It was the longest drive ever.  Obviously, I was sad.  I was scared.  I was nervous.  I had to tell my parents.  How do you tell people you have cancer?  How do you call your mother and tell her you have cancer?  That’s what I thought about on the way home.  I was so nervous to call my mom and to tell my family.  I didn’t want them to be sad and worried about me.  Remember, the doctor is probably just realizing now his silly mistake.  There’s probably a message for me at home, “Wrong file.  Silly me.  You’re fine.  Sorry for the mistake.”  Maybe I should wait to call my mom.

I called my mom.  I didn’t tell her about the “wrong file” theory.  I knew it was a long shot.  She handled the news okay.  She’s in shock too.  That’s good.  I can’t bear to hear her cry. 

Looking on the bright side?  I have decided to conclude each journal entry on a positive note.  I have to cope somehow and figured it might as well be with humor.

Looking on the bright side…cancer patients have an entire section of the first floor parking garage at the hospital reserved just for them.  No more spending 20 minutes finding a parking space and having to remember which floor or section of the parking garage I parked in.  Nice! 

Oct. 19 – Shock

Okay, I’m in shock.  The doctor isn’t going to call me back.  I know I should drop that theory, but it might take him a while to realize his mistake.  I’ll give him a little more time.  Until then, I know I should be rational.  I guess I have cancer.  You would think that I may be asking myself serious questions like “am I going to die?”  Nope.  I’m nervous to tell people.  I told my parents and my brother and sister know.  I know that word will quickly spread.  Now, I have to tell my friends.  I have to tell my kids!!!  I decide to send my friends a Facebook message.  I know it seems impersonal but I want to “tell” them myself before they hear it from someone else and I can’t bear to call them with the news.  I can’t pull myself together just yet, so I write them a message.  Maybe I should tell them not to worry, because I’m technically still waiting for the doctor to realize his careless mistake.  This is probably something we’ll laugh about later.  “Remember that time you thought you had cancer, that was crazy.” 

Now, I have to tell my kids!!!  They don’t know what cancer is.  They shouldn’t need to know.  They shouldn’t have to worry about their mom.  I have to tell them.  They have sensed something all week, Coen especially.  He has been giving me extra hugs, like a lot!  I love it.  We sit down on the couch and I tell them about “my boo boo, called cancer.  It’s a boo boo inside my body.  The doctors have to take it out; otherwise I could get really sick.  I have to have surgery.  The doctors are going to get the cancer out of my body.”  I will never forget the look in Brinley’s eyes; she’s uncertain and sad.  Then they do something wonderful.  They run upstairs and get their doctor’s kit!  Brinley is the doctor and Coen is the nurse.  They are going to “fix me up”.  They are amazing.  At 4 and 5 years old, they take the information they do understand and make it tangible. 

Reading "Mom Has Cancer"

Looking on the bright side…the kids’ medical vocabulary will probably expand.  They are going to sound so smart playing doctor.  New vocabulary we can work on could include cancer, biopsy, surgery, surgeon, oncologist, prescriptions, pharmacy, chemotherapy, radiation, side effects, lymph nodes, etc.  I should warn their teachers J

The rest of October – A blur

I’m still in shock.  How long does that last?   I try to keep the routine normal.  The rest of October is kind of a blur.  I remember being overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with appointments.  Overwhelmed with medical terminology.  I guess my medical vocabulary will also be expanding.  Some of the words I have learned include lymphedema, HER2 negative, HER2 positive, invasive ductal carcinoma, genetic counseling, nurse navigator, BRCA tests, the list could go on and on and on.

Oh yeah, it’s almost Halloween.  I obviously did not schedule for cancer.  Prior to learning about cancer, I agreed to way too many things.  I volunteered to work at my schools fall party.  I volunteered to help with Brinley’s preschool party, and I volunteered (as one of three moms) to coordinate and plan the Halloween party at Coen’s school…for the entire kindergarten class, over 100 students.  In the end, it all worked out.  As overwhelmed as it all felt, I’m glad I was able to do it.  I enjoyed all of Halloween and trick or treating with the kids.

Firefighter and Pinkalicious

Looking on the bright side…I am going to be getting news boobs out of this.  The doctor has assured me that they will be beautiful and perky!

Biopsy #2 – Pre Surgery

Apparently my right breast is getting too much attention and my left breast wants in on it.  They also found a suspicious spot on my left breast that needs biopsied.  Although I’m getting a double mastectomy, my surgeon wants the biopsy done so he knows if any lymph nodes need to be removed on that side as well.  The biopsy came back fine.  No cancer.  Now my left breast is just showing off.  Regardless, I’m getting rid of them both.