I have been
eagerly anticipating this day. It’s the
last day of chemo. When I started back
in December it felt as though this day would never come. We have plans to go celebrate as a family
afterwards and we are leaving early tomorrow morning to head to my parents’
house; my whole family will be back! The
end of chemo signifies so much and I have been looking forward to the day that I
am done with it. A joyous day. Or at least it was supposed to be! This week has been an interesting one for
sure. My car broke down, my kids have
been super wild and hyper and crazy. In
addition to that Brinley has been so crabby, like really crabby. Remember that
post from a week or two ago about how amazingly well my children have
adjusted. It’s like they are challenging
me. I have a lot of patience, but not
this week! Then last night we had crazy
storms and the kids woke up scared so I didn’t get much sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well anyway. It’s like my brain won’t shut down. I am excited to be done, giddy with the
thought of finishing chemo, and exhausted from lack of sleep (even with sleep
meds). But I wasn’t expecting this…I’m
scared too. Last night Jeff asked me if
I was nervous. I’m thinking to myself nervous? Whhaaat? Why would I be nervous? I’m thrilled.
I’m going to be done!!! I was
trying to convince myself of this and not let on about how confused I really am. So I respond “no I’m not really nervous. Are you?”
He responds that yeah he is kind of nervous and I sigh and confess that
I am too.
I was very
prepared to celebrate this day but I was not prepared to be nervous. I realize that being done with chemo means
that I am no longer getting treatment to actively fight this, at least
systemically. As much as I hate chemo,
it is reassuring to know that something is being done. Now I have to just trust that it’s all going
to work. I have to trust that it has
killed all the cancer cells. I begin to
wonder if it’s going to be enough. Maybe
I shouldn’t be so excited to be done.
Maybe I should ask for a couple more rounds just to be safe. I think I can feel another cancer cell
somewhere. Okay, maybe not. I have to trust. It feels good to admit all this to Jeff and
although he too is nervous, he reminds me that we should still celebrate. We can’t let ourselves get caught up in the “what
ifs.”
Anyway after a
crazy night of storms and absence of good night’s sleep, we get up to learn
about all the flooding. Even school has
been cancelled. This is a first. Jeff is about to head off to work for a half
day (he is spending the second half with me at the hospital) but I worry that
he won’t make it there safely due to the weather (he ends up having to turn
around and come back home). I find
myself suddenly crying. I find myself
wondering if these are all signs. I cry
and try to explain to Jeff that I am sure these are signs that I shouldn’t get
too excited about the end of chemo…because this may not be the end. The cancer might come back. This is God’s way of warning me! I just know it. Now, I realize that it is a bit self-absorbed
to think that all this is happening just as a sign for me but that doesn’t stop
me from thinking it. Jeff tries to
reassure me that these are not signs and it’s nothing to worry about. I’m going to have my last chemo treatment and
we will celebrate as planned! Okay, I’m
smiling again. I still think it’s a
sign, but I’m smiling.
The phone
rings. You have got to be kidding
me? The cancer center is being
evacuated! No chemo today! OMG!!!
Now try to convince me it’s not a sign, I dare you. You can’t can you? So now what?
I am supposed to be leaving at 7am tomorrow morning to go to my parent’s
house and finally get to see my brother, sister-in-law, and sister. I am hoping that they are able to get me in
anyway because if I can’t get in until next week my surgery will have to be
pushed back and then radiation will have to be pushed back and then my summer
will be ruined. Okay, I am being
slightly dramatic but you get it. The
phone rings again, they can get me in at 10:15am. So instead of getting to Iowa at noon, we won’t
be in until about 6pm. I guess it could
be worse.
Looking
on the Bright Side…my “sweet” children made a card for the nurses and staff to
say thank you and I’m so proud of them for being so considerate. See pics!
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