Christmas (with Cancer)

Christmas with Cancer

Chemo has been off to a rough start.  After the first treatment I experienced many of the typical side effects, nausea and blurred vision being the worst.  Shortly after my first treatment I got a cold.  A nasty awful head cold.  By the second chemo treatment my oncologist has adjusted my meds a bit and the nausea and blurred vision are significantly better.  If it hadn’t been for the cold and numerous fevers I think I would have felt decent.  It is also Christmas time.  I feel guilty that I wasn’t able to do as much as I normal would with me kids.  Between fatigue, my cold, and my weakened immune system I am not able to go out much.  No Navy Pier, no Macy’s on State Street, no Christmas light trolley tours, no breakfast with Santa, no Nutcracker, no Christmas around the World, no Christmas plays, etc.  We are usually pretty busy this time of year.  I’m happy we got the tree up, but I know it isn’t fair for the kids.  They are at the prefect age for this stuff and I am determined not to make this Christmas the “Christmas mom had cancer.”  I did most of our shopping online.  Thank goodness for the internet!  I wonder if having Santa bring extra toys will help, but then I remember we don’t have a lot of extra money right now and we definitely don’t have a lot of extra space for toys.  Jeff reminds me of all this and we agree this is a good year to remember the true meaning of Christmas…letting others buy toys for our kids, just kidding.  We have amazing kids and they know Christmas is about giving and spending time with those you love.  This year it is also about getting a castle, a skateboard, and Baby Alive.  I think we can manage that.

 Christmas Eve and Christmas day I was feeling alright and well enough to spend with my husband’s family.  I had to duck out a little early on Christmas day, but I’m pretty proud of myself for making most of it.  We have plans to go to Iowa to stay with my parents for a few days on the upcoming weekend.  The day after Christmas, my body is getting back at me for being so “active” the day before and I start to run another fever.  Fast forward to the weekend and I have to cancel our trip.  My doctor feels I shouldn’t go and may very possibly end up in the emergency room if my fever continues.  He doesn’t want me to be too far away.  Great.  Now cancer is ruining this too.  In all honesty, I feel so lousy that not having to make the trip is kind of relieving.  My parents and sister graciously agree to come to us instead.  Okay, Christmas is not necessarily ruined but this is about the time that I start to feel really angry.  For the first time since this “journey” started, I feel really angry about it all.  I want to know why this is happening to me, to our family.  It is kind of hard to go on Facebook and see others having their (what I assume) happy, normal, and perfect Christmas and New Year’s.  I know I can’t think like that and that makes me even angrier. 

Looking on the Bright Side…I have to constantly remind myself that things could be worse and I have incredibly wonderful family and friends to spend even my crummiest days with.

Christmas Day