Unpredictable

I had a pretty good week.  It was such a nice change of pace to not feel lousy.  Just when I started getting confident that maybe I could get used to this feeling decent thing, a fever strikes.  It’s just another reminder at how unpredictable life with cancer can be.  I am back to feeling run down again, at least for the last few days.  It’s so frustrating.  I like some predictability in my day and I hate that cancer so easily throws me for a loop.  My hemoglobin levels are back to the low 8 level and although my body seems to be adjusting, I don’t have the energy to do much.  I hate this.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate that cancer takes so much away from me.  I hate that I don’t have the energy to be outside right now playing basketball with Coen or doing cartwheels with Brinley (it is an unusually “warm” winter day here).  I hate that my hands are shaking so badly and my joints are so sore that it is hard for me to type this or read the kids a story.  I expected cancer to suck but I thought it would be different.  Some things are definitely harder than I thought they would be.  I guess I didn’t think it would overpower so many parts of my life.  I’m the type of person who likes to keep busy.  I don’t like to just sit around and it feels like that’s all I do now.  I feel like I’m missing out on so much and it makes me so mad that its cancers fault.  I didn’t want it to be this way.  I thought I would have better control, that I would be that rare person who can go on living their regular life while getting chemo and battling cancer.  That my life wouldn’t change so much.  I thought maybe I had the power to control that.  I thought maybe enough positive energy and optimistic thinking would allow me some opportunity to regulate the effects of cancer.  I hate that cancer takes over.  I feel like I’m losing this battle, that cancer is stronger than me sometimes.  Cancer may ultimately not take my life, but right now it is taking what I love of life and leaving me stuck on the couch.

Looking on the Bright Side…yeah I can still do a cartwheel!