How Are You?

How are you?

You know how sometimes you run into someone and casually ask them how they are and they respond with a long list of, well… how they are actually doing.   Maybe they go on to tell you how their arthritis is acting up again, or that the doctors just can’t get rid of that goiter, or they can’t be as active as they want due to a bladder control problem.  And you don’t know how to respond to them because you were hoping the answer to that question would be a simple “fine”.  I really don’t want to be that person, but this seemingly easy question (how are you) is now difficult to answer.  How am I doing?  I usually respond with a “pretty good” or “hanging in there” or my favorite “I’m doing alright”.

Before cancer, the answer to this question used to be so automatic.  I could answer with a polite “I’m good, well, or great”.  To respond with that now just doesn’t always feel right.  I guess I’m ‘good’ in that I’m not dead or in the hospital and know things could always be worse.

The other problem was that some days I didn’t look good or well or fine or even alive.  I looked like the kind of person that would respond with how many weeks I have left of chemo, how many days it’s been since I’ve left the house, the list of side effects and illnesses I have experienced recently, or that since having kids I sometimes still have bladder control problems (wait, I’ll leave that last one to myself).  On these days I was not convincing anyone that I was fine. 

Although my hemoglobin levels still have not gone above 9.0 (remember the normal range is 12 – 15.5) I am feeling better than when my levels were initially that low.  My body is adjusting, so while I am still very fatigued I am not at the point where it is hard to get out of bed or I have to rest and catch my breath when walking to the bathroom.  That also means that my appearance is a bit better.  My face is not so pale and colorless that people have to do a double take to be sure that I am, in fact, alive.  I guess for now I will stick to my current stand-in answer and look forward to the day when I can honestly answer the question "how are you?" with an “I feel great!!!” 

Looking on the Bright Side…I am finally consistently looking better.  And by better I mean well enough to not frighten people who look at me and think they see a ghost or a zombie (but with less dirt). 

Here I am getting ready to run an errand.

Do you see how people would think they see a ghost?