Life Lessons You Probably Don't Need

I have learned a few lessons this week.  I know that’s probably why you read this blog, so I can share my wisdom with you.  Well I don’t disappoint.  Actually, you may not find these lessons to be very practical but I’ll share them anyway…

Eyebrows and eyelashes are an important part of your face – I kept my eyebrows and eyelashes for about the first 11 weeks of chemo.  Now, they are leaving my face and it is not a good look!  I thought it would be tough to pull off the ‘no hair on my head’ look, and it is.  However, when you add the loss of eyebrows and eyelashes it’s really a lost cause.  Now I have a new dilemma.  While adding makeup like a brow pencil and mascara do help a lot, the result is more hair loss.  These lashes and brows are barely hanging on as it is and I don’t want to risk losing any more.  Attached is a link to a website that has celebrities with their eyebrows photoshopped off, it pretty funny.  Remember they still have their hair and eyelashes, so it is not as dramatic as my look but you get the idea.  If Justin Bieber can’t pull it off…I mean, come on we all know that’s a pretty kid.  http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/61xn

My bald head gets A LOT of looks – I am very comfortable in my house without any head covering.  My family is also very comfortable with it.  My neighbors have seen my naked head, but other than that when I go out I cover it.  Well, I was out shopping with Coen this week and had on my big winter coat and a knit hat on my head.  As I’m shopping I start to get really hot, but I was not about to take off my hat.  Fast forward 10 more minutes and my head feels like it’s on fire!  I am now considering taking off my hat.  Fast forward 10 more minutes we are almost finished shopping and I can’t take it any more so I take my hat off.  Ahhhh, that feels so much better.  I figure I am a confident enough woman to walk around (for the few minutes we have left at the store) without something covering my head.  Plus, what are the chances I am going to run into someone I know?  I thought maybe Coen would say something about it, but he doesn’t.  I knew I would get some looks, but yeah, I got a lot of looks.  I also had 7-8 different workers ask me if I needed any help finding something.  I guess I look like the type of person who needs a lot of assistance.  Okay, we are ready to check out.  Maybe I am not as confident as I thought I was, my hairless head and I are ready to go back to the comfort of home.  Now, guess what happens?  The obvious.  I see someone I know.  Of course this is happening.  We chat and I feel the need to explain why I have nothing covering my head.  She waves it off as not a big deal, although she will probably have some explaining to do.  I have a feeling her two young daughters might have some questions!

Having cancer does not mean weight loss – I have been holding on to a ‘looking on the bright side’ joke that at least having cancer means I will lose a few pounds.  Not the case.  I have actually gained a couple pounds.  Seriously?!?!  Cancer can be so cruel.

Looking on the Bright Side…next time I go shopping and need some help, I know how to get it!

How Are You?

How are you?

You know how sometimes you run into someone and casually ask them how they are and they respond with a long list of, well… how they are actually doing.   Maybe they go on to tell you how their arthritis is acting up again, or that the doctors just can’t get rid of that goiter, or they can’t be as active as they want due to a bladder control problem.  And you don’t know how to respond to them because you were hoping the answer to that question would be a simple “fine”.  I really don’t want to be that person, but this seemingly easy question (how are you) is now difficult to answer.  How am I doing?  I usually respond with a “pretty good” or “hanging in there” or my favorite “I’m doing alright”.

Before cancer, the answer to this question used to be so automatic.  I could answer with a polite “I’m good, well, or great”.  To respond with that now just doesn’t always feel right.  I guess I’m ‘good’ in that I’m not dead or in the hospital and know things could always be worse.

The other problem was that some days I didn’t look good or well or fine or even alive.  I looked like the kind of person that would respond with how many weeks I have left of chemo, how many days it’s been since I’ve left the house, the list of side effects and illnesses I have experienced recently, or that since having kids I sometimes still have bladder control problems (wait, I’ll leave that last one to myself).  On these days I was not convincing anyone that I was fine. 

Although my hemoglobin levels still have not gone above 9.0 (remember the normal range is 12 – 15.5) I am feeling better than when my levels were initially that low.  My body is adjusting, so while I am still very fatigued I am not at the point where it is hard to get out of bed or I have to rest and catch my breath when walking to the bathroom.  That also means that my appearance is a bit better.  My face is not so pale and colorless that people have to do a double take to be sure that I am, in fact, alive.  I guess for now I will stick to my current stand-in answer and look forward to the day when I can honestly answer the question "how are you?" with an “I feel great!!!” 

Looking on the Bright Side…I am finally consistently looking better.  And by better I mean well enough to not frighten people who look at me and think they see a ghost or a zombie (but with less dirt). 

Here I am getting ready to run an errand.

Do you see how people would think they see a ghost?

 

Cancer is Everywhere

Cancer.  It’s everywhere.  Cancer is to me, what Kim Kardashian is to pop culture.  I try to get away from it, but it keeps showing up.  Just when I think there is a chance I can spend just one day avoiding it…it’s staring me in the face.  When I was first diagnosed, it was breast cancer awareness month, so it really was everywhere.  Then I started noticing all the vehicles with cancer ribbons and stories about cancer on the news and so on.  Like Kimmy, I know cancer has also been around for many years but now it is suddenly invading everything I try to do even though I never asked for it and find it incredibly annoying.

I continue to be much more aware of cancer all around, but now it has expanded.  Maybe it is a sign from God, maybe it is that I am emotionally more ready to see it, maybe it’s just an odd coincidence but I feel like I now I am surrounded by stories of death by cancer.  Death?!?!  I was initially so confident that I would beat this cancer crap and move on with my life, but maybe not.  Maybe these are signs that I should prepare myself for the worst.  I have never really been scared of dying, but I am scared of leaving my husband and kids.  I’m not saying that I know I’m going to die, but I am realizing that it is an option.  It is a realistic possibility that at the end of all these treatments, the cancer may not be gone or it may come back, or it may be terminal.  I guess we never know what the future holds.  Death is always a possibility for anyone at any time.  If we were nervous about every risk we would drive ourselves crazy.  I know this to be true because I spent many years afraid that germs would kill me.  Trust me, having a fear of doorknobs is not a fun way to spend life.  I have accepted that cancer could kill me, but I have no intention to live my (hopefully long) life in fear of it. 

I have been reading a lot in my time off and finish a book every couple of days.  I’m reading new books and old favorites.  I have purposely been reading books that are not at all about cancer but yet there is a small paragraph or sentence about it, right there in the book. The book that I am using as a way to escape the realities of cancer.  Here are some of the examples (by the way, all these books are really good sans the mention of someone dying of cancer)

The Good House – Chapter 17 – the characters friend Allie “she died of breast cancer five years ago.”  Why?  Why did she have to die?  I think the story would have been just as good had her friend survived.
The Age of Miracles – Chapter 5 – one of the young character’s mothers – “Breast cancer: She’d had it for years already, forever, it seemed, but I’d heard that now she was really dying.” Chapter 13 – “we heard that the cancer had spread to Seth’s mother’s bones.  I heard she died at home in the middle of a long white night.”  She died too. Ugh.
Brain on Fire – Chapter 29 – the character was having odd psychotic symptoms and numerous doctor’s visits – “This was not what my mother wanted to hear.  Cancer had always been the greatest fear, the word she dared not utter.”  Yeah, speaking from experience moms don’t like cancer.
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal – Chapter 1 – “We had to live with my granddad, so that Mrs. Winterson could nurse her mother, who was dying of throat cancer.”  Again with the dying!
Bossypants – page 157 on my nook – “My friend Jen Rogers, who is a cancer survivor, thought it was funny.”  Yep, you read that right!  Finally a cancer survivor.  Thanks Tina Fey!

Then last night I was catching up on the news and came across a clip from the Today show featuring a woman diagnosed with breast cancer at 31 who was talking about the importance of woman with cancer to feel beautiful and comfortable with their bodies, scars and all.  Then I watched the viral video of her story and it turns out her cancer returned.  She is now 35 and her stage 4 cancer is now incurable.  Another sign?  I don’t know but her story is incredibly inspiring and touching.  I included the link if you want to watch.  Grab a tissue!

The Light that Shines

 

Looking on the Bright Side…Speaking of signs, I think this might be a sign that Tina Fey needs to write another book or get started on another TV show.

Reality Check

Reality Check
Warning - this post is a direct reflection of what's going on in my brain lately.  It's totally random and scattered.  I tried to make it cohesive, but it was useless.  I apologize in advance.

I am feeling better now, just in time for chemo tomorrow.  I was having a very “pissed off at cancer” couple of days.  I was feeling so defeated.  Now that my fever of officially gone and I have some energy back I can go back to playing with the kids and that lifts my spirit.  I wasn’t quite up to playing basketball and doing cartwheels but we have spent the day doing playdough, moon sand, card games, and playing school.  Of course, now Coen is sick with a cough and fever.  This has been a rough year.  When things look up, something drags us back down.  It's a reality check.  I have to remind myself things could be a lot worse. 

(Totally random transition) My kids have been talking a lot about what they want to be when they grow up and it got me thinking about how great it is to be a little kid and not have to worry about "real life" stuff.  Remember being a kid and dreaming about being a grown up.  I had my heart set on one thing.  I wanted to grow up to be Mary Lou Retton!  I didn’t just want to be an Olympic gymnast, I wanted to be Mary Lou Retton.  Turns out it doesn’t work that way.  Then as I grew and grew and grew (probably outgrowing Mary Lou by 2^nd grade) my dreams of becoming an Olympic gymnast were also kind of crushed.  I love how kids have so many dreams and hopes for their future.  Brinley wants to be a doctor, a mom, and a dancer.  Although it frequently changes.  Coen wants to be a football player and a firefighter (but not the firefighter that goes in to burning buildings, that’s too dangerous for him).  As their mother, I encourage them to dream big. I hope that they grow up doing what makes them happy and learn to look on the bright side even in the darkest situations.  I hope that someday my kids will look back at this time in their lives and see that although cancer was a very unexpected and disappointing surprise, it doesn’t kill dreams.  I pray that they see and remember the strong and optimistic mommy more than the angry at cancer, defeated mommy.

Looking on the Bright Side…what better way to really teach kids the importance of not letting life’s disappointments get you down, then actually getting and beating cancer.  I mean when I teach a lesson I really go all out.

Unpredictable

I had a pretty good week.  It was such a nice change of pace to not feel lousy.  Just when I started getting confident that maybe I could get used to this feeling decent thing, a fever strikes.  It’s just another reminder at how unpredictable life with cancer can be.  I am back to feeling run down again, at least for the last few days.  It’s so frustrating.  I like some predictability in my day and I hate that cancer so easily throws me for a loop.  My hemoglobin levels are back to the low 8 level and although my body seems to be adjusting, I don’t have the energy to do much.  I hate this.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate that cancer takes so much away from me.  I hate that I don’t have the energy to be outside right now playing basketball with Coen or doing cartwheels with Brinley (it is an unusually “warm” winter day here).  I hate that my hands are shaking so badly and my joints are so sore that it is hard for me to type this or read the kids a story.  I expected cancer to suck but I thought it would be different.  Some things are definitely harder than I thought they would be.  I guess I didn’t think it would overpower so many parts of my life.  I’m the type of person who likes to keep busy.  I don’t like to just sit around and it feels like that’s all I do now.  I feel like I’m missing out on so much and it makes me so mad that its cancers fault.  I didn’t want it to be this way.  I thought I would have better control, that I would be that rare person who can go on living their regular life while getting chemo and battling cancer.  That my life wouldn’t change so much.  I thought maybe I had the power to control that.  I thought maybe enough positive energy and optimistic thinking would allow me some opportunity to regulate the effects of cancer.  I hate that cancer takes over.  I feel like I’m losing this battle, that cancer is stronger than me sometimes.  Cancer may ultimately not take my life, but right now it is taking what I love of life and leaving me stuck on the couch.

Looking on the Bright Side…yeah I can still do a cartwheel!

Cancer CANNOT

“Cancer Cannot” Blanket

My cousin made me a blanket and I want to share it with you because I think it is so cool.  It is covered in “cancer cannot” messages.  My aunts, uncles, and cousins signed it and they gave it to me at Christmas. I have included my own commentary, if you will, in italics next to some of the messages

CANCER CANNOT

·         Kill Friendships (what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger)

·         Conquer the Spirit (it disrupts my chi a little bit)

·         Destroy Peace

·         Erase Memories (the good and bad)

·         Corrode Faith (it might test it occasionally)

·         Erode Confidence

·         Silence Courage

·         Stifle Laughter

·         Shatter Hope

·         Steal Humor (borrow it maybe, but I always get it back)

·         Cripple Love (never!)

• Invade the Soul (just the breast and lymph nodes)

Looking on the Bright Side…everyone should have a motivational blanket, something to keep you both warm and inspired!

A Valentine Surprise

A Valentine Surprise

This year Valentine’s Day fell on a Thursday and Thursdays are my chemo days.  Not exactly the most romantic dreamy way to spend the day, but I really didn’t think too much about it.  I have been feeling really well all week so my mood was good regardless of the not so ideal situation.  I got the kids off to the babysitter with the valentines for their daycare friends and sitter.  I got Brinley’s valentines together for her school friends and teachers as she was having a school party.  I got Coen’s valentines together for his school friends and teachers as he was also having a party.  I got the other babysitter’s valentine card and candy together and I had a box of chocolates ready for the chemo nurses.  The kids made valentines for family out of town and those were in the mail already.  The kids have been working hard on all these valentine’s for the last two weeks and I was very happy to finally get them all out of the house!  Valentine’s Day is exhausting and this year I don’t even have my dragonfly classroom party to worry about, although I miss all my students so much!

Anyway, mid-morning the doorbell rings and I have a surprise gift.  A box of chocolate covered strawberries from Edible Arrangements.  So yummy.  I was so excited and touched that Jeff sent that.  Then in the afternoon I head off to the cancer center for chemo.  I go to check in and I’m chatting with the lady behind the counter.  When I go to sit down and wait, I catch a glimpse of a super handsome man out of the corner of my eye.  I do a double take and I think it kind of looks like Jeff back there in the chemo part of the hospital.  Wait a minute!  It is Jeff!  I was shocked!  At first I was nervous wondering why he was here…does he know something I don’t know?  Did they call him here because something is wrong?  I know he went to work this morning.  I immediately go to him and give him a huge hug and ask him what he’s doing here.  I’m so surprised and happy and worried.  He’s smiling, that’s a good sign.  Then I remember the huge box of chocolates I am carrying for the nurses and remember it is Valentine’s Day.  He came here to be with me for Valentine’s Day!!!  I notice that one of the chemo chairs have balloons next to it and a chocolate heart cake and a bottle of milk!  He is so amazing!  I couldn’t help it, I started to cry.  He is the most incredible man and I love him so much!  I could have never imagined a Valentine’s Day with cancer, at the hospital, getting chemo.  I definitely never imagined that it would be one of the best Valentine’s Day of my life!

Looking on the Bright Side…as I write these blog posts I realize that I have been crying a lot.  I cry when I’m sad, happy, shocked, surprised, etc.  I guess that’s another cancer perk, I am allowed to be super emotional and people aren’t going to judge.  BTW – I might be crying a bit as I write this, I can’t help myself!

 

My Sweet Love

Wiggin Out

Wiggin Out

So I finally went out in public with my wig on.  I met up with a couple of good friends for dinner and I left my scarf at home.  I think it was a success.  It felt kind of nice to wear it, as long as it is for a short amount of time.  It did get a little itchy and uncomfortable.  I hope the person driving behind me didn’t notice that I ripped off my hair while driving home.  That may have been shocking to see.  Then my head got really cold, so after finally getting a chance to scratch my head, I put it back on like it was a hat.  Weird, right?  My friends gave me lots of compliments and made me feel comfortable with it on.  One asked me if I feel like I’m undercover or in a disguise when I’m wearing it.  I hadn’t really thought about that, but it would be kind of cool.  I may begin to do that just for fun.  I’m thinking I’m going to need a cool undercover name and maybe an accent.  I’m going to work on that.  I’m also going to keep my sunglasses on wherever I go, wear a trench coat, and I don’t know why but I feel like I should also have a walkie talkie with me.  Will that be too much?

Looking on the Bright Side…not having a scarf on my head, means I can finally wear cute scarves around my neck again.  I haven’t been able to do that in a while!  I figured it would be scarf overkill to have one on my head and another one around my neck.  These are the things I have to think about now.

Before cancer hair

My after cancer "hair"

(you can't see it but there is a really akward patch of hair fuzz on the upper right hand corner of my head, that I can't bring myself to shave.)

 

My wig

I Wonder

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder about another young woman I met while getting my third mammogram.  We were both waiting for our mammogram dressed in the given gowns.  We were sitting next to one another and chatting politely.  She shared with me that she was really nervous.  She also told me that when she gets nervous she talks a lot.  I told her my mammogram experience wasn’t too bad, mostly just uncomfortable.  She was surprised to hear that I already had one done and I told her that this was in fact my third mammogram in 2-3 weeks*.  I’m not sure why I told her this.  I think I still needed to practice saying it all out loud.  She was so curious and seemed to think that it was strange to have had so many in a short amount of time and then asked me “so they just haven’t found anything yet?”  This is when time stopped for me.  I remember panicking a little bit inside.  Do I really want to tell her the truth?  Should I lie?  I don’t want to freak her out.  She is just a couple years older than me and has three little kids at home…remember she talks a lot when she’s nervous.  I looked at her and told her the truth, as much as I really wanted to avoid it.  I like to think I responded something like this, “they found two suspicious spots and after doing the biopsies discovered that I do have breast cancer.”  In reality I probably responded something like this “um, well, um, so they, well the reason is, um, so, yeah I have cancer.”  Her mouth dropped open and she was shocked.  She started to tear up and talking some more (did I mention she talks a lot when she’s nervous?) but I don’t really remember what she said.  Then my name was called to go in.  As I was leaving, I wished her luck as she was about to get started.  I have been thinking about her.  I wonder if she had the same experience I did.  Has her life been turned upside down?  Did she hear the dreaded cancer news?  Did they catch it early?  Or was she given the good news that her lump wasn’t cancer?  I truly hope that it is the latter.  I really hope that her news was good news. 

*When the doctors find a suspicious spot and then do a biopsy, they insert a small metal clip where the spot was.  Once that is inserted you go back for another mammogram picture and then they have the spot marked for future mammograms.  I had two biopsies done on my right breast and one on my left on two different occasions, totally three mammograms.

Looking on the Bright Side…my words are always more eloquent in my head or on paper than when I’m speaking, lucky for those of you reading this blog.

Wishes

Wishes

Yesterday we celebrated the beginning of Chinese New Year.  It was really nice.  I feel like I am turning a corner.  I’ve had five continuous days of feeling well!  No nausea or major issues with eating, other than I’m not really hungry.  No major headaches or mouth sores!  I even have a little energy back.  It felt like the perfect time to celebrate a new beginning.  I had a friend come to town and visit and we had a chance to catch up.  It felt like a normal weekend…minus all the Chinese music playing in the house and our surplus of dragon and snake decorations.  While eating our Chinese dinner, we talked about our wishes for the year.  The kids wished that all the Chinese people have a great New Year and that cancer would be gone forever.  I think that’s perfect.  From our family to yours 萬事如意Wànshìrúyì - "May all your wishes be fulfilled."  

Looking on the Bright Side…Coen has also mentioned that he wants to invent medicine that will get rid of cancer forever.  Isn’t that so sweet?  He also wants to invent pajama bottoms that turn from pants to shorts with a touch of a button.  He’s quite ambitious.

The kids with their dragon.  This is what they used when dancing. 

They were occupied for hours!

Enjoying a Chinese dinner.

 

I tried to upload a video of their dancing but wasn't able to.  Your going to have to trust me that is was really cool:)

Looking in the Mirror

Looking in the Mirror

For the longest time, it was hard to look in the mirror and see myself not only without hair but also looking so sick.  My blood counts have taken a beating with chemotherapy, therefore so has my appearance.  My face and lips have no color and my eyes look sunken in.  I look very sick.  I don’t like to go out looking this way.  It’s obvious enough with my scarf that I have cancer, but it just makes it so much worse when I look like I’m terribly ill with cancer.  I see the way people look at me and then pretend they aren’t.  I know what they are thinking.  It’s been easier to just not go out and see people, whether they are people I know or strangers.  I realized recently that I’m starting to get used to looking this way.  It’s kind of a dreadful feeling, but one that I hope is temporary.

Imagine my surprise when I look in the mirror this morning and I have color.  My lips were pink!  My cheeks were rosy!  My eyes were not sunken in and they looked normal! I still look like I have cancer (thanks to the no hair on my head and very sparse eyebrows and eyelashes) but I don’t look like I’m dying of cancer.  There is a huge difference.  Let’s be honest, that’s what people were seeing and thinking; I looked like a ghost.  Not today.  I had to do a double take in the mirror.  Then a triple take.  It was the most beautiful site, I nearly cried.  I went downstairs to ask Jeff if he noticed anything different about me.  He carefully said “yes”, but I could tell he was nervous like I was trying to set him up or something so I answered the question for him.  “Look at my face, I have color!”  He could see it too and noticing my good mood was not about to say anything to ruin it.  Then I remembered that I was surprised yesterday when getting chemo and the nurse checking my vitals said I was running a small fever.  Oh great!  Maybe this color on my face is from a fever, but I don’t feel feverish.  I got the thermometer and holding my breath waited for the result.  Yes! 97.5 degrees!  No fever!  This is so great.  It’s funny how having cancer (or any life changing event) can change your perspective.  Suddenly, I find myself much more appreciative of the simple things in life.  I don’t recall ever waking up and being so excited to see my reflection in the mirror, looking “normal” and “healthy”.  It’s so easy to take that kind of thing for granted. 

Looking on the Bright Side…this gives me a great excuse to go out and go shopping.  Target’s not going to know what hit them, when I come in with my new complexion!

Check it out!  I know your probably thinking "Really? This is what she's so excited about."  Trust me, okay.  I don't have a comparison picture to show you because pictures of sick Angie were not allowed.  This is me looking good.  (My face is puffy thanks so all the steroids.)

Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Chinese New Year

These last few months have obviously been very difficult for me and my family.  I was diagnosed in October so Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year were all celebrated but not with the same amount of energy and enthusiasm as normal.  Now that things are supposed to be getting easier and I have been having some better days, I have the energy to do more than I did October – December.  I was putting visual icons of the 2013 holidays on the kids’ calendar and came across the upcoming Chinese New Year (it begins Feb. 10^th) and in the moment decided we were going to celebrate it this year and we are going all out!  We have made dragons and signs.  This is the year of the snake, so the kids have made some snakes to decorate the house.  I’m also planning a trip to Party City for more party supplies and decorations and we will enjoy a Chinese dinner.  This is going to be the best Chinese New Year ever!

Looking on the Bright Side… I might not have been able to give them the best Christmas they’ve ever had, but this is going to be a Chinese New Year they will never forget! 

Junkie

Junkie

Once again I have been feeling extremely fatigued, short of breath, dizzy, and my heart has been racing.  So I went in early for my CBC hoping to get some relief before the headaches start (see SMACK: metal baseball bat to the head feeling) and once again my hemoglobin levels are low.  They are very low, but not super low and my oncologist prefers not to do another blood transfusion.  Apparently there are risks associated with too many transfusions and he doesn’t want to risk it.  Okay, fine but in the meantime I’m really struggling here.  I’m supposed to just rest and try not to do much of anything at all to not overwork my heart and under blooded body.  As the nurses were relaying this information to me I could feel myself getting upset.  I just want to feel better, is that too much to ask?  Just give me some blood!!!  I considered pleading or begging if needed for some blood but I don’t want to be one of those patients and of course they know best.  Also, I am starting to feel like a junkie.  Can a person be addicted to blood transfusions?  OMG, I am a junkie!!!  I am a blood junkie…or maybe I’m a vampire…or (wait for it) a vampire junkie!!!  No that’s ridiculous, right?  Right?  I have chemo tomorrow so they will check my levels once again, maybe there is hope for me yet.  The nurse yesterday made a comment that the good news is I don’t have to spend 5 hours of my Wednesday at the hospital getting another blood transfusion (that is great news, kind of) and she said there are probably a million other things that I would rather do (true, kind of).  I agreed with her as I don’t want her to know that I may or may not be a vampire junkie, but the problem is although there are certainly plenty of things I would rather be doing I don’t have the energy or stamina to do much of anything other than watch TV, read, sleep, or be on the computer.  That is the problem.  Okay, time for my nap.  I’m exhausted.  It is 8:37 am!  Agghhhh!!!

Looking on the Bright Side…my mom took Brinley for the week so that saves me a lot of energy.  Also, she often accompanies me to my CBC’s and I don’t want her to see me begging for blood (if it comes to that). 

Escape!!!

Escape

I really want to get away.  I want to go on vacation and forget about everything else.  My life is so consumed by cancer right now and I just want to escape, preferably to an all-inclusive resort anywhere in the Caribbean.  Some days I feel trapped by cancer.  I’m pretty sure the only real cure for that is the sun, beach, and lots of drinks!  Jeff and I are going to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this July and I should also be finished with all my treatments by then so we are determined to take a trip.  I just want to escape.  I want to go to a place where “cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, and drugs” are replaced with “relaxation, the beach, swimming, food, and alcohol.”  I will be ready to celebrate and put this behind me, at least for 7-10 days!

Looking on the Bright Side…there is a vacation at the end of this very long and very dark tunnel, I can see the light!

 

 

  yes please

Taxol: Round 1

Taxol: Round 1

Starting a new chemo drug seems a little bit like an experiment.  It’s a bit uncertain how your body will react.  This new drug has not been as easy as I had hoped…yet.  I am still optimistic.  I haven’t had much of an appetite this time around.  I eat cereal, tortilla chips, and breadsticks.  I’m not nauseous at all so that’s been nice.  I do have some issues with peripheral neuropathy which is a numbness in the hands and feet; I was told to expect that.  I have also had some numbness in my right arm, some chest heaviness, and cramps/body aches.  I was hoping to feel so much better, so I’m a little disappointed with all these symptoms.  My cancer friend has gone through her first two rounds of chemo and her blood counts and numbers have all been coming back perfectly, this is awesome for her!  Her body is handling the chemo really well and she has been given the okay to go out and be with people without the looming threat of infection.  I was joking with her that she has been getting an “A” on all her tests and I have been flunking.  The nurses come back to me with my numbers sighing and say things like “well your hemoglobin is really low again, so we scheduled a blood transfusion for tomorrow morning” and “your white blood count is literally at zero, so your body is incapable of fighting off infections.  You are not allowed to go anywhere for a few days.”  I have another CBC (complete blood count) on Thursday before chemo and I am hoping for at least a “D”.  It would be nice to not flunk for a change. 

Looking on the Bright Side…when you consistently flunk all your tests, a “D” doesn’t seem so bad.  I’ll be happy just to pass.

So Many Emotions

So Many Emotions

I have been through a roller coaster of feelings since being diagnosed with cancer.  I spend most of my days happy, grateful, and content with the amazing life I have.  I don’t want you to think I am depressed or anything, but I have been in a bit of a funk lately.  I decided to reflect on my state of mind and really look at the complexities of my emotions resulting in my sometimes gloomy mood.  I listed some of the events in my (admittedly sheltered and comfortable) life that have resulted in the following emotions.

Frustration – When good teachers don’t get the credit and appreciation they deserve.  When my kids cry because they don’t want to take a bath and then they cry because they don’t want to get out of the bathtub.  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Fearful – Being around dogs, cats, birds, squirrels, horses, any and all animals really.  Pennies (they are very dirty and I hate the smell).  Being diagnosed with cancer!    

Sad – The death of my grandparents.  When someone refers to me as “that lady who’s scared of pennies.”  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Confusion – Wondering how the hamper is always full no matter how much laundry I do?  What is my favorite color?  Why do I have cancer?

Anxiety – The first day of school (from kindergarten to present).  Seeing people sneeze and cough into their hands (catch those germs in your arm/elbow people!).  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Shock – Discovering that I was pregnant with my second child…when my first child was only four months old!  The Milli Vanilli lip syncing scandal!  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Disbelief – The continued medical advancements in this world.  Wondering if this season of “The Bachelor” will really be the most dramatic season yet? Being diagnosed with cancer!

I think there is a common theme to these feelings.  Cancer brings a lot of emotions!

Looking on the Bright Side…cancer also puts life into perspective and I am more appreciative than ever of all the things that make me happy!

 

I share her feelings!