Winning or Losing?

My life is so full of contradictions right now.  My emotions are like a roller coaster and I have been screaming to stop the ride but it just keeps going.  Some days I feel so strong and I feel like I got this, I will not let cancer destroy my life.  Other days I feel so weak and overwhelmed and wonder if cancer is getting the better of me. 

Some days I look at my body and think I look fine, the scars and the hairless head are signs that I am a fighter.  Other days I want to avoid the mirror at all costs because nothing says “ugly” like having no breasts, no hair, no eyelashes, and no eyebrows.  I am appalled by the person looking back at me.  It is all a reminder that cancer has invaded me. 

Some days I want nothing more than to get out of the house and enjoy the real world.  Cancer cannot stop me.  Other days I just want to stay home.  I don’t want to see anyone or go anywhere.   

Some days I walk into the cancer center and I’m ready.  I’m ready for chemo and I remind myself that I am young and my body can probably handle it a lot better than the other patients who are 40+ years older than me.  Other days I walk into the cancer center feeling depressed that I have to be back.  I’m upset that this has happened to me now.  I’m too young for this.

Some days I want to pretend that everything is back to normal, but even on my “good” days I am still exhausted and weak.  I’m just well enough not to feel horrible.  I actually forget what it’s like to have energy and to have a carefree day.  Every time I have to take my medicine, or go to the hospital, or take a nap, or look in the mirror I am reminded of cancer.  Depending on the day, I feel like either a fighter or someone who just got knocked out.

Looking on the Bright Side…I do look forward to sounding like a badass some day when I can finally say that I am a cancer survivor.