I received the
letter in the mail stating that it is that time of year again. It’s time for my annual gynecological
exam. Now, I have never exactly been
thrilled to make this appointment but this year I am especially not looking
forward to it. In fact, I’m scared. I am beyond nervous for the doctor to exam me. What if he finds something? What if a test comes back abnormal? Before being diagnosed I really never had any
anxiety about going to the doctor. I am
admittedly neurotic about a lot of things, but hypochondria has never been one
of them. But once you have had a doctor
tell you that you have cancer, it changes everything you know about being
confident in your health. The shock of
cancer has destroyed all sense of assumed wellbeing. I don’t think I can handle another biopsy,
ultrasound, further test or even sense of concern from the doctor.
I know that this
doctor visit is a necessary evil women must endure, much like childbirth,
lunges, and spanx. But I dread this
visit. Walking into the doctor’s office
and getting myself into the gown, it’s like I’m getting dressed for another
disaster. I am afraid it will feel too
familiar, too close to the doctor’s visits that have changed my life. I don’t know if I can go through with
it. I don’t think I could handle any
more bad news. And if everything checks
out normal? Of course I will be relieved
but I’m afraid that this fear will not go away.
A year from now, will I feel the same way when I get the reminder in the
mail to make my next appointment? I
don’t know. I don’t know if I will ever
be able to go back to the doctor without some uneasiness in knowing the outcome
could possibly be anything other a good clean bill of health.
Looking
on the Bright Side…no more having to do (or feeling guilty about not doing)
self-breast exams!
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