I have a date for
my surgery! I will be getting my new
real fake breasts on May 1st, almost exactly 5 months after I originally got my breasts removed. I can’t wait. These other temporary fake breasts/expanders
are so terribly uncomfortable. They have
been full for some time and I know that the purpose of it is to stretch out my
skin for the implants but they look and feel so unlike real breasts that it’s
ridiculous. Right now my “breasts” are
large and round, but they are hard as a rock and they don’t move. I am always afraid they are going to pop and
leak and my chest will suddenly deflate like a balloon losing air, although the
plastic surgeon has assured me this is very unlikely. These expanders make it really difficult to look
good in shirts so I have opted to wear large t-shirts and sweatshirts for the
last 5 months in an attempt to hide what’s really there. For the first time since the diagnosis and
surgery I have been interested in shopping for clothes again. I had no desire to buy clothes before because
I felt that I wouldn’t look good in anything and where was I going to wear new
clothes to? I have nowhere to go. I did a little bit of shopping online and it
felt so good. It was nice to want to try
and look pretty again. It was nice to
feel like I deserved to buy myself something nice to wear and feel that I owed
it to my body to at least try.
Then I tried the
clothes on. When I purchased them online
I imagined them looking much better on my body.
I really hated looking at myself in the mirror. I had hoped these clothes would make me look
and feel better, but instead I looked like someone trying really hard to look
good, but failed. Ugh. I know it is
going to take time to get used to everything.
It’s really a shame that cancer has taken so much of what makes me feel feminine. I have lost my breasts, all my
hair, and will eventually lose my ovaries. I guess
my expectation for some new clothes was a bit high. What cancer has taken from me cannot be
replaced by new clothes. I know
that.
Looking
on the Bright Side…I am hoping that my new fake breasts will bring me one step
closer to feeling real again and hopefully they will look good under shirts
too. I may have to check with my surgeon
on the return policy.
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