I Got a Feeling

 I Got a Feeling

Since my double mastectomy I have not really had any feeling in my “breasts” or part of my right arm.  I have been numb.  A couple of weeks ago I was getting chemo when I stood up not realizing that the IV was stuck under the IV pole and I accidentally pulled the needle out of my port.  Ouch!!  That part I felt.  I told the nurses who immediately got their gloves on and quickly got to work getting things removed, cleaned, replaced and back on track.  Wow, they are good!  They asked me if I wanted a towel or something to dry up from where medicine spilled out.  I said I was fine.  When I got home and changed out of my clothes I felt that part of my bra and shirt were soaking wet.  I didn’t feel a thing.  I had no idea that my left breast under my port was even wet until I felt it with my own hands.  

Now, I am slowly getting some of the feeling back in my breasts.  The nerves that were severed are reforming (I think that’s how it works?).  My left breast hurts a lot.  The doctor thinks I might be having muscle spasms.  I went from having no feeling to suddenly having a very painful feeling.  It is a toe curling pain.  I will be going about my day and all of a sudden I am struck with this awful pain.  I have a prescription to help relieve some of the discomfort, but it’s not quite enough.  My doctor is currently on vacation for a week so I won’t be able to see him until then.  I could always go to the surgeon on call if it gets too bad, but I really don’t want to have to do that. Sometimes I will cry out in pain (I swear it is not as dramatic as it sounds) and the kids will say “dad, mommy is having joint pain again.”  They are so sweet.  I have had some pretty painful joints in the last few weeks too and so that’s what they know.  Or they will say “mom, does your chest hurt again?” and Brinley will come over to give me a back massage which basically consists of her rubbing her tiny hands on my bony collar bone and asking me every 5 seconds if that feels good.

Looking on the Bright Side…I can tolerate pain much better than feeling crummy like I’m car sick all day long.  Also, I wrote this piece a few days ago and update: it’s feeling so much better!

Hair Police Need Not Read

Hair Police Need Not Read

As I have mentioned, my hair is growing back.  It feels great to have some hair again.  I’m a little bit like a chia pet right now.  My hair has sprouted!  Every day I check in the mirror to see if it has grown any more.  It just sticks straight up.  My kids like to rub my head; they say it feels soft like fur.  It does.   

Today, I did something I haven’t done in months.  I shampooed my hair!!!!  I was in the shower and I grabbed for the bottle of shampoo.  That lonely bottle that has been unused and untouched for so long.  I opened the bottle and it smelled so good.  At first I felt like I might be doing something wrong.  Is this allowed?  Can I put shampoo on the little peach fuzz I call hair?  I looked around like the hair police was going to catch me “put the shampoo bottle down ma’am.  No one has to get hurt.  Just put it down.  We both know you don’t have enough hair yet to use shampoo.  That’s right, put it down.”   Then like the dangerous badass we all know I am.  I did it.  I shampooed my hair.  And you know what?  It was amazing.  Really amazing!  I loved the way the suds felt on my scalp.  And the way it ran down my back when I washed it away.  The smell was incredible.  It made me feel so feminine again.  If the hair police do exist and are reading this right now.  Arrest me if you must.  It was totally worth it!

Looking on the Bright Side…we all know that the hair police doesn’t exist.  Right?!?!  As long as Donald Trump is out there, I feel pretty safe.

The Board Room

The Board Room

I have a theory about what is going on here as I try to make some sense out of this completely nonsensical situation.  I feel like God is up there making the life changing decisions he makes or doing whatever it is he does exactly.  I picture God in a board meeting of sorts going through his list of daily jobs and odds and ends.  When he came to me I envision he considered my situation and said “you know, let’s get moving on Angie Lay.  I think it’s time to shake up her world a bit.  Let’s give her cancer, yeah breast cancer.  Actually I’ll tell you what, let’s just throw a bunch of stuff at her now and then it can be easy going from here on out.  What do you say?”  I’m not sure who God is speaking to in this scenario…his board, his assistant, his family, Buddha?  I don’t know exactly.  And then he moves on to other people in the world and a few housekeeping items like the weather, natural disasters, and New York Fashion Week.

Now I am not a particularly religious person, but I do believe in a higher power (God or someone similar running board meetings to determine everyone’s fate.)  People say everything happens for a reason, and I kinda sorta get that but not entirely.  Whatever the “reason” is for this happening to me I hope that I am able to fulfill that purpose.  I’m also holding on to the idea that it is going to be smooth sailing from here on out.  I hope God got the memo. 

Looking on the Bright Side…my hope is to help create awareness of breast cancer and the importance of early detection, especially in young women.  If that is my destiny as a result of all this, I will be proud to do it.

Sorry Mom, I Lied

Sorry Mom, I Lied

The expectation growing up was to always tell the truth.  So I have to come clean.  I have not always been very truthful, especially to my mother.  My mom and/or my dad call me every day to ask how I am feeling.  This presents me with a dilemma.  I can’t stand to tell my mother the truth.  I know that telling her how crappy and miserable I really feel wouldn’t do any good.  I hate that cancer has to affect so many other people in my life.  It breaks my mom’s heart to hear that I am not feeling well or that I’m feeling particularly weak.  I don’t necessarily lie to her, but I haven’t always told her the truth either.  Honestly, the first 10-12 weeks of chemo were miserable.  Those weeks were rough and awful.  When my mom called me to ask how I was doing, I couldn’t tell her the whole truth.  It’s too hard to hear her pain through the phone.  Now those miserable, horrible, terrible days of chemo are over (I think and pray and hope).  Thank God.  My mother and I both survived.  She has spent years raising me, loving me, and keeping me safe.  The least I could do was attempt to protect her from my agony. Because the one thing that is worse than hearing you have cancer might be hearing that your child has cancer.  So mom, I only lied for your own good.  It was best that way.  I’m finally feeling better…honest!

Dear Mom and Dad, while we are on the subject of lying, I have one more thing to tell you.  When I was about 10 years old I stole some money from the coin jar in your bedroom and went to Casey’s General Store to buy 75¢ worth of Laffy Taffy’s.  Sorry about that too. 

Looking on the Bright Side…looking back on those first weeks of cancer, I now realize how strong I was.  I didn’t know I had it in me. 

Pop Quiz

Pop Quiz

Taking a cue from those cheesy but irresistible quizzes you find in magazines I have created a quiz for those of you who know someone diagnosed with cancer.  If you have ever wondered the correct or incorrect way to respond, take this quiz!

Your (friend/acquaintance/co-worker/cousin/niece/neighbor/etc.) is diagnosed with cancer, do you

A)   Not say anything to her because cancer makes you “uncomfortable”

B)   Call her or send her a card, email, text, or FB message to let her know you are thinking about her

C)   Immediately contact her to tell her about all the people you know who have died from cancer

You see your (friend/acquaintance/co-worker/cousin/niece/neighbor/etc.) while out shopping, do you

A)   Quickly hide to avoid her because you’re not sure what to say

B)   Tell her you’ve been thinking about her and ask her how she is doing

C)   Comment that you barely recognized her without any hair and point out how sick she looks

You meet your (friend/acquaintance/co-worker/cousin/niece/neighbor/etc.) for lunch and she begins to talk about her diagnosis, you

A)   Excuse yourself to use the restroom and don’t return; talking about hospitals and cancer gives you the “heebie jeebies”

B)   Listen to her and acknowledge how she is feeling

C)   You constantly interrupt her to complain that you’ve had a sore throat for two days and you couldn’t make it to your yoga class

If you answered mostly A – ignoring the situation because it makes you uncomfortable is giving your friend/acquaintance/co-worker/cousin/niece/neighbor/etc. the message that you don’t care.  Even if you don’t know what to say, say something.  Send her a card or email, anything to let her know you have not abandoned her at this most difficult time.

If you answered mostly B – you are a good friend/acquaintance/co-worker/cousin/aunt/uncle/neighbor/etc.  Reaching out to her and letting her know you are there to support her and listen to her will mean everything to her.  It will get her through the toughest times to know that you care.

If you answered mostly C – you’ve probably heard this before but you tend to be somewhat obnoxious.  Your (friend/acquaintance/co-worker/cousin/niece/neighbor/etc.) needs your support and you need to be more careful about what you say.  Although you may mean well, it might come off as rude.  Chill out a little bit. 

I have read a number of stories where a person diagnosed with cancer (or another health crisis) have felt abandoned by someone close to them.  I have to be honest, I have been so extremely fortunate to have such amazing people supporting me through this time.  From the moment of my diagnosis and continuing through all of my treatments people have been encouraging, supportive, helpful, and compassionate.  I can truthfully say that the people around me have helped me more than they will ever know.  Every single card, message, phone call, text, etc. has contributed to giving me the strength I need to get through this.  

Looking on the Bright Side…it’s a wonderful feeling to have so many people around to lift me up every time I get down!

Post Diagnosis Doctor Visits

Post Diagnosis Doctor Visits

I received the letter in the mail stating that it is that time of year again.  It’s time for my annual gynecological exam.  Now, I have never exactly been thrilled to make this appointment but this year I am especially not looking forward to it.  In fact, I’m scared.  I am beyond nervous for the doctor to exam me.  What if he finds something?  What if a test comes back abnormal?  Before being diagnosed I really never had any anxiety about going to the doctor.  I am admittedly neurotic about a lot of things, but hypochondria has never been one of them.  But once you have had a doctor tell you that you have cancer, it changes everything you know about being confident in your health.  The shock of cancer has destroyed all sense of assumed wellbeing.  I don’t think I can handle another biopsy, ultrasound, further test or even sense of concern from the doctor.   

I know that this doctor visit is a necessary evil women must endure, much like childbirth, lunges, and spanx.  But I dread this visit.  Walking into the doctor’s office and getting myself into the gown, it’s like I’m getting dressed for another disaster.  I am afraid it will feel too familiar, too close to the doctor’s visits that have changed my life.  I don’t know if I can go through with it.  I don’t think I could handle any more bad news.  And if everything checks out normal?  Of course I will be relieved but I’m afraid that this fear will not go away.  A year from now, will I feel the same way when I get the reminder in the mail to make my next appointment?  I don’t know.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to go back to the doctor without some uneasiness in knowing the outcome could possibly be anything other a good clean bill of health. 

Looking on the Bright Side…no more having to do (or feeling guilty about not doing) self-breast exams! 

My Song

My Song
 
Have you ever had a song that just speaks to you?  A song that makes you feel it was written and sung just for you and your life?  I have a song like that.  It helps get me through some of my challenging days.  The days I just want to quit.  The days I feel that I don’t have the strength or energy to do it anymore.  The days I want to just give up.  This song helps me pull through.  The inspiring power anthem I am referring to is called “Don’t Give Up.”  It is a very positive and simple message put into song.  It just so happens to be by Yo Gabba Gabba.  I know, I know.  What can I say?  There is just something special about a flamboyant man wearing an orange fuzzy hat and matching jumpsuit that gets me.   The part of the song where the green striped monster puts his amazing vocal skills to use chanting “don’t stop” and “never give up” while simultaneously swaying his overly long arms and awkwardly dancing from side to side just screams to me you can do this Angie, don’t give up, never give up, your life is worth fighting for!  Now I know that in the music video they are singing this song to encourage their friend (the weird red one eyed phallic looking thing) to keep trying and never give up as he has lost his toy snake.  I like to think there is so much more to this song.  I think it can also pertain to battling cancer.  And you know what?  I’m going to find myself again and be healthy again.  I will not give up!  I will never give up!
The link to the video (on Nick Jr.) http://www.nickjr.com/bumper.html?url=/kids-videos/featured-kids-videos-list.html

Looking on the Bright Side…this song can very easily get stuck in your head for days at a time, so there are days when my mind is constantly flooded with the message to never give up.  Not bad Yo Gabba Gabba!  You’ve done well!