I had an odd moment last week. I rode my bike to the cancer center as I have been doing on most days and I happened to arrive at the same time as an ambulance. The ambulance was bringing in another cancer patient who was obviously too sick to get there himself. I suddenly felt embarrassed. I felt like a total show off.
I want to disappear so that this elderly man and his panic stricken wife don’t see me casually biking to my appointment as if life were just hunky dory. I want to apologize for my careless behavior. I want to let them know that it hasn’t always been this easy for me. I remember the days that I wasn’t sure if I could drive myself to chemo and was nervous that I wouldn’t have the energy to walk inside the building to the elevator. I remember the nurses calling my name and knowing that standing up and making the very short walk to the chemo area would make me dizzy, unstable, and out of breath. I remember these feelings all too well and I am pretty sure that if I saw another patient riding her bike to the cancer center I would have wanted to strangle her with the blanket I needed to keep my fragile body warm or throw the book that kept me entertained during my 4 hours of chemo right at her robust and annoying self. Life isn’t fair. I hate seeing other people struggle with being sick and although I am so grateful to finally be feeling well, I also feel guilty. I feel foolish and insensitive for being healthy enough to ride my bike. I quickly park my bicycle and try to sneak in without doing any more damage than I feel I have already done.
Looking
on the Bright Side…it feels great to feel good again!
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