Radiate Me

Radiate Me – Tuesday, June 4^th

So there I lay, in a big room with a lone table.  My left boob and arm taped to the table and my right arm awkwardly and painfully placed above my head.  My right breast exposed and ready to be radiated.  I lay as still as I possibly can and try not to think about how much this hurts my shoulder.  For my first treatment I am a little nervous.  I’m not entirely sure what to expect.  They get me all lined up using the tattoos as a marker for accuracy.  They push and pull and tug and roll me until I am in the absolute exact spot I need to be in.  They place a bolus (a sticky flat piece of rubber-like material used to increase the radiation dose to the skin and tissue) on my chest.  It’s time.  It’s time for the radiation.  The technicians have carefully lined me up to the machine and leave the treatment room.  I suddenly panic that I am not sure how it is going to feel.  They told me I will hear a noise but they didn’t tell me if it’s going to hurt.  I remember that I have to keep a steady breath and am supposed to not panic.  Oh no, now I am panicked that I’m panicking.  I see the green laser light beams (that have been there the whole time, but are only now making me nervous) and then begin to hear and see the large machine move over me.  In my panic, I fear that there will be an actual visible laser radiation beam that will zap me.  I tell myself this is radiation, not a large Taser gun or electroshock machine.  Right?  I feel very anxious and am upset that I never asked specifically about this.  How could I not have asked them if this is going to feel like I’m being tasered.  I hear the noise and close my eyes expecting a lightning bolt to erupt from the machine and strike me, while I lay perfectly still.  Ha!

I open my eyes and watch as the machine moves over to the other side of my body.  What’s happening?  Is something wrong?  Maybe the machine is broken, maybe I can quickly convince them that I don’t need radiation and would like to opt out of this torture chamber while I am still alive.  Oh God!  Here it goes again.  Another noise!  Then the technicians come over and tell me I’m doing a good job and rearrange my bolus to another section of my chest.  They comment that I am almost done.  Huh.  You mean I was already radiated.  That wasn’t so bad.  They finish the next two treatment fields and release me.   Hmm, that’s it.  I knew it wasn’t going to be too bad.  Just as I expected.

Looking on the Bright Side…I have radiation every day Monday – Friday for six weeks, but it is so close to my house that I have been riding my bike there.  It is my minimal daily exercise.