Guilt is an
emotion I have been dealing with since my diagnosis. As soon as the doctor gave me the dreadful
news I immediately felt guilty. I hated that
I would have to drag cancer into the lives of other people. I was worried about imposing my health problems
onto other people. I felt guilty that I
was responsible for bumming everyone out.
Jealousy is
another emotion that has plagued me. I
was so sick of going places only to be surrounded by skinny young moms in their
yoga pants and high pony tails. I
wondered how many of them had to hurry home from their child’s swim class or
the park to go to their daily doctor’s appointment. I was so jealous that their day seemed so
normal. I was jealous that they had eyelashes
to put mascara on to. I was jealous that
they could go get their nails done without having to worry about a potentially
life threatening infection attacking their compromised immune system. I was jealous of their perfectly maintained
eyebrows. I was jealous that their kids
would go home and play UNO while my kids would play doctor and
chemotherapy. I was jealous that their
children would pick out the perfect bedtime story while mine would want to read Mom Has Cancer for the 900th
time. I was jealous that their husbands
would get to come home from work and have quality family time while my husband
had to come home to me lying on the couch still in my pajamas and too sick to do
anything. I was jealous that their lives
were perfect and mine was falling apart.
Now, I know that nobody’s life is perfect, but for that brief moment and
from the outside looking in, their lives looked flawless. I would watch them with jealousy until they grabbed
their impeccably dressed children and designer bags and drove away in their
fancy SUV’s. I was jealous that they
could go out and leave their problems behind closed doors and I had to wear
mine out with me all the time. I was
jealous that no one would look at me and feel jealous. I felt guilty for feeling so jealous.
Looking
on the Bright Side…I have my eyebrows and eyelashes back! They still have a little ways to grow, but
they are back. Jealous? I didn’t think so.
Check out the hair growth (mine, not Jeff's)!
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