Residual Effects

Residual Effects

Cancer has been a crazy whirlwind of an experience.  The list of side effects has been long and overwhelming.  Having been through 9 months of treatments and being almost finished there are still a few residual effects of having been through so much. 

1.     I have been to the doctor’s office/hospital/cancer center so many times that I now automatically assume all doctors and nurses are going to want to check my breasts.  I am worried that I will accidently give my dentist and optometrist quite an eyeful.  Surprise. 

2.    I feel the need to have a doctor’s note for anything I do.  When you are going through treatment for cancer, you would be surprised at how many people won’t touch you unless you have written permission from your doctor.  Now when I go somewhere I have my oncologist sign off on it: Angie (patient) is allowed to check out books from the library.  Just in case.

3.    I make routine trips to the pharmacy because there always seems to be something there for me.  It’s like a fun new surprise at every visit.  I just never know what’s waiting for me.  It is so exhilarating to open up that CVS bag and pull out the drug.  Is it something new?  Have I had it before?  What are the side effects?  How many pills do I get in a day?  Will I need refills?  Can I pronounce the name?  Do I take it with or without food?  The excitement just doesn’t end.  Another gift for me.  You shouldn’t have!  Those pharmacists really know how to make a girl feel special.   

4.    Every time I have to fill out a new health history form I consider it a challenge.  I try to fill it all out in under 10 minutes.  When I successfully complete this challenge and I return it to the receptionist with a smug look of accomplishment on my face and she reciprocates with an “I don’t care” or “why are you looking at me like that?” look back at me.  I don’t expect a trophy or anything, although it would be nice.

5.    I have learned just how quickly life can change.  One day you’re going about your regular day and the next you can find a lump that will turn your world upside down.  I have learned to be thankful for all the things I have. 

Looking on the Bright Side…This experience has also shown me what an amazing group of people I have in my life.  The support I have received has been incredible and I will be forever grateful for that.

I'm Almost Done!

I’m Almost Done! 

I have been going through the daily mundane radiation process.  My skin gets a little bit more red and irritated every day but it is “looking pretty good” according to my doctors.  I have to just take their word for it, I guess. 

I noticed last week I had a small rash on the center of my chest and figured it was related to the radiation.  Then the rash spread to my neck, and then to my face, and then to my shoulders.  I wake up on Monday morning with my right eye partially swollen close and a very obvious raised red rash from the chest up.  Just what I needed.  It looked as if I had wiped poison ivy on myself.  For the record, I had not.  I went in to see my radiation oncologist and he is unsure what it is, but says it is not related to the radiation.  He wants my medical oncologist to look at it though just to be sure.  He wasn’t in yet, so the nurse practitioner takes a peek.  She says it is not shingles or chicken pox.  Great, so we can rule out a few things.  It’s NOT poison ivy, radiation side effects, or shingles.  Now if only we could figure it out.  Unfortunately, we cannot.  They give me a steroid pack and it takes away most of the itchiness (ahhh) and reduces some of the redness and puffiness.  From far away, I look alright.  As you get closer, you see that my skin is still pretty irritated. 

I have to remind myself that I’m almost done.  Other than this crazy random rash, the sunburnt boob area, fatigue, and my fingernails*, things are going quite well.  I am beginning to feel like I’m getting some of myself back.

*Three of my fingernails are very sensitive and the fingernails have lifted off the nail bed, one is dangerously close to falling off.  This is a lingering side effect from chemo.  With the nail not bound to the nail bed it can be an issue if bacteria enters.  I have to be sure to have excellent hygiene to prevent an infection.  Lucky for me, excellent hygiene and hand washing are skills I happen to be pretty awesome at.  Nail polish also covers the discoloration nicely.

Looking on the Bright Side… I have 21 radiation treatments down and 7 to go!  On July 12^th I will be finished!!!

Strong - Weak - Repeat

Strong – Weak – Repeat

Going through chemo was one of the toughest things I have ever been through.  One of the hardest parts was feeling my body and health decline.  I was weaker than I had ever been.  I didn’t recognize myself and it was difficult to feel so sick and to know that I was not capable of doing things that I was so used to doing.  When chemo ended I slowly began to regain some strength.  I found myself able to do the simple things that had been too difficult to do just weeks before.  I began to go on short walks again.  Walking around the neighborhood felt amazing.  My walks started off at a slow pace and I only went a short distance.  Every day I would walk a little farther and move a little faster.  Soon enough, things seemed almost normal again.  I even started jogging, not well, but technically that is what I was doing.

I also began to ride my bike again.  My first few bike rides were a struggle.  I was very out of shape and the burning in my legs let me know it.  I began to bike the long way home from radiation forcing me a ride up a small but challenging hill.  The first time, I barely made it up.  Every day I would feel a little bit stronger and the hill would feel a little less daunting.  It felt so good to know that I was able to accomplish the things that I had selfishly taken for granted before cancer reminded me how quickly things can change. 

I continue to take walks and ride my bike but I find myself regressing.  My walks and bike rides have become shorter and slower.  I find myself getting out of breath a lot more quickly.  My heart beats faster and my naps get longer.  I hear myself telling the kids that I’m too tired to play.  I hate that!  I hate it so much!  It sucks to go backwards.  I am never sure how to react.  Should I push through and challenge my body or should I listen to my body and rest?  I'm ready for things to be normal again.

Looking on the Bright Side…although it is disheartening to feel weak and tired again, it is encouraging to know that my body can come back after surgeries and chemo and will again after radiation.

My Fashion Don't

My Fashion Don't

 

“Lymphedema occurs when the lymph system is damaged or blocked. Fluid builds up in soft body tissues and causes swelling. It is a common problem that may be caused by cancer and cancer treatment. Lymphedema can cause long-term physical, psychological, and social problems for patients.” www.cancer.gov

In November, I had 12 lymph nodes surgically removed to determine whether my cancer had spread to other parts of my body.  Because I no longer have those lymph nodes I am forever at risk of developing a potentially permanent swelling in my right arm.  I googled “lymphedema images” and that was a mistake.  Don’t make the same mistake.

I went to visit a lymphedema specialist after being referred to go in for an evaluation by my radiation oncologist and now the therapist wants to see me twice a week for the next four weeks.  That means that at the very minimum I will have at least 7 doctor’s appointments a week!  Really?  I’m trying to have a life here.  And she wants me to wear my compression sleeve during the day.  Ugh.  Picture me “enjoying” a lovely summer day with a beige colored sleeve wrapping my entire right arm and my scarf covering any exposing skin on my neck, chest, and shoulder.  It is not exactly the most ideal of summer outfits.  I worry that I will land myself on one of those Glamour DON’T pages with the black bar covering my eyes to save me from being humiliated, but I can recognize my own sweaty head anywhere.  I don’t want to dismiss the seriousness of lymphedema, but I just don’t know if I am willing to take it this far.  The cancer had spread and that’s why I am having the lymph node area radiated as well, currently putting me at an increased risk of lymphedema.  Cancer is so not glamorous!

Looking on the Bright Side…I suppose technically a compression sleeve is better looking than an extremely swollen arm, aka “lymphostatic elephantiasis.”  I know you want to google it.  You’ve been warned.





A major fashion DON'T

I look like a strange superhero wannabe with an injured arm and an unfortunate haircut!

Fatigue Not Welcome

Fatigue Not Welcome

Radiation itself is tiring.  Even though the cancer center is nearby and the treatments are so short (I’m done within 10 minutes now), it is exhausting having to go in every day.  So far it has been going very smoothly.  My skin is just starting to get a little itchy and red, but for the most part it is holding up well.  No major burns yet.  As I begin my fourth week, the fatigue is becoming more prominent.  I find myself needing a daily nap again.  By about 3:00 I can barely stand to be awake.  My brain starts to get fuzzy, my body feels slow, and I actually have to work to keep my eyes open.  I try to outlast the sensation, but eventually surrender and take the much needed nap.  I worry that pretty soon I will be  back to two naps a day.  I am told the fatigue gets worse until about 2 weeks  (or as long as six months!) after radiation is over.  I had been feeling so great and, like a true optimist, thought that maybe the fatigue wouldn’t affect me.  But instead I find myself unable to work up enough energy to do much of anything around mid-afternoon.  It feels similar to the time I had mono, but this time I have one overly tan boob and underarm to show for it. 

Looking on the Bright Side…today I completed my 15^th session, only 13 to go!

Showing Off

Showing Off

I had an odd moment last week.  I rode my bike to the cancer center as I have been doing on most days and I happened to arrive at the same time as an ambulance.  The ambulance was bringing in another cancer patient who was obviously too sick to get there himself.  I suddenly felt embarrassed.  I felt like a total show off. 

I want to disappear so that this elderly man and his panic stricken wife don’t see me casually biking to my appointment as if life were just hunky dory.  I want to apologize for my careless behavior.  I want to let them know that it hasn’t always been this easy for me.  I remember the days that I wasn’t sure if I could drive myself to chemo and was nervous that I wouldn’t have the energy to walk inside the building to the elevator.  I remember the nurses calling my name and knowing that standing up and making the very short walk to the chemo area would make me dizzy, unstable, and out of breath.  I remember these feelings all too well and I am pretty sure that if I saw another patient riding her bike to the cancer center I would have wanted to strangle her with the blanket I needed to keep my fragile body warm or throw the book that kept me entertained during my 4 hours of chemo right at her robust and annoying self.  Life isn’t fair.  I hate seeing other people struggle with being sick and although I am so grateful to finally be feeling well, I also feel guilty.  I feel foolish and insensitive for being healthy enough to ride my bike.  I quickly park my bicycle and try to sneak in without doing any more damage than I feel I have already done.

Looking on the Bright Side…it feels great to feel good again!

Radiation Rules

Radiation Rules

It is summer and I’m going through radiation with the instructions to stay inside from 10am-3pm whenever possible, stay in the shade, cover up (the lower half of my neck, right shoulder and chest area), stay out of the water, and apply lots of sunscreen.  Did I mention it’s summer?  Oh yeah, I did.  I also have two little kids who love to be outside ALL day long.  I have always been very good about protecting my skin with sunscreen, but the above guidelines have been challenging to abide by.  I half-jokingly made an earlier comment about buying dickie turtlenecks to ensure the appropriate coverage but I may have found a more “stylish” option.  I know, I know.  You’re wondering what’s more stylish than a dickie.  I didn’t think one existed either.  However, I have decided to use all the scarves that were previously used to cover my bald head to now cover my sensitive radiated skin.  So, I walk around wearing a scarf in the hot summer weather as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.  On occasion I will try to sneak out of the house without coverage (other than sunscreen) and Jeff will remind me that I do not want to do anything to jeopardize my timeline.  So I dramatically fling my scarf around my neck and head outdoors in the heat careful not to soak up the summer sun.

Looking on the Bright Side…Radiation treatments have been extremely uneventful, which is exactly how I like it to be.