Another Busy Day

Another Busy Day

Jeff joined me for another day full of doctors’ appointments.  I met with my plastic surgeon and had the last of my “fillers.”  My expanders are very much expanded.  The next step will be the rest of reconstruction surgery.  I will have the surgery after chemo so we are looking at some time mid-May.  I am excited to get that operation done.  Once again, the doctor has said that my breasts are “healing beautifully”.  I’m glad he thinks so because they still look pretty beat up to me, but he’s the expert.  I also had chemotherapy this afternoon.  I started my new drug treatment, Taxol.  So far so good, but I have learned that side effects can hit any time.  I will be going weekly from here on out.  Jeff and I were pretty emotional today.  Maybe because we have not had a full day of appointments in a while.  Maybe because we hadn’t been out just the two of us in a while.  It reminded me of when this all started and our life was suddenly overwhelmingly full of appointments and new information.  We drove by the Breast Center on our way to one of the doctors’ offices and I found myself tearing up.  That was where it all started; the mammogram and ultrasound and anxiety.  It was a reminder of just how much my life has changed since that one innocent visit.  Before that day I was just a regular 32 year old living my life just being a mom, working full time, and going to grad school.  It’s so crazy to think about how fast things can change.  I miss that life.  I hope to get it back someday, but right now it seems so long ago I had it and such a distant dream of ever having it back.

Looking on the Bright Side…I’m so glad I have Jeff with me through all of this and I’m also glad I was able to have a good excuse to drop the class - Functional Analysis of Challenging Behaviors.  This class was stressing me out even before I found the lump.

 

 

chemo cycle #5

Time

Time is a concept that can be difficult for children and adults.  I remember being a kid and the drive to my maternal grandparents’ house (20 miles away) seemed to take forever.  Waiting for one of the most anticipated days of my life to finally arrive took so devastatingly long I thought it would kill me, but finally getting the “New Kids On The Block” cassette tape was totally worth the wait.  Spending 45 minutes at the dentist feels a lot longer than 45 minutes having coffee with a friend.  Time can be deceiving.  A couple of people just recently commented to me that the last eight weeks of chemotherapy “have gone by fast.”  It was really an innocent comment and they quickly acknowledged that it is easy for them to say that as they are not living it day to day.  I told them that the last eight weeks have not gone by fast at all for me.  In fact, they have been painfully slow and it doesn’t help knowing that I still have 12 weeks to go!  It’s really weird how time works, or how our perception of time works.  Some days drag and other days fly by, yet they are both equally 24 hours.  I am learning to embrace every day, those that feel long and those that feel short and those that are still spent anticipating another “New Kids On The Block” album.

Looking on the Bright Side…in the grand scheme of things, I’m hoping this whole experience will eventually feel like a small short bump in the road as I plan on living a long, long life!

Being Normal

Being Normal

Having breast cancer is a life changing experience, one I never asked for but those are the cards I was dealt.  Jeff and I have tried to keep things “normal” for the most part and while things are certainly not the same as they used to be, they are not really all that different either.  I sleep and rest A LOT more than I used to, my appetite is different, and I spend more time with doctors and nurses than I do with my family, friends, and coworkers combined.  No one really complains to me (and I’m grateful for that) but I know others are also affected by the chaos cancer brings.  Jeff has had to do a little more of everything.  He keeps very busy cleaning, cooking, bathing the kids, doing laundry, entertaining the kids, etc.  These are jobs that we would have shared more equally before (sans cooking, that has always been him and I did more thorough cleaning than him but you get the point.)  He has taken over these extra responsibilities without me ever having to ask and has never complained…to me.  Seriously, he just does it.  I’m amazed at how he has risen up to every task every day and I know it hasn’t been easy.  Other than a little extra dust, our house and routine are pretty much the same as before.  The kids have also been amazing.  Other than the time Brinley was dramatically disappointed that I was too tired to play Barbie’s (and playing Barbie’s is not my specialty so I didn’t feel too bad) and the kids were sad that I declined joining them for “lava monster,” the kids have also adjusted well to the changes.  One of the biggest changes for them is probably that I am not as actively involved in their play as I was before.  I’ve been on the couch a lot lately.  Thankfully they are incredibly creative and their imaginations keep them happily occupied.  I realized just how much they have been affected when Coen’s teacher commented that he recently told her “my mom is starting to feel like herself again.”  And today I was feeling really well and spent the entire morning coloring with the kids, doing puzzles, and playing Lego’s.  Brinley looked at me and said “it’s nice having you back to normal mom!”  I couldn’t agree more.  Here’s to more normal days!

Looking on the Bright Side…cancer has forced me to be more easygoing about a lot of things.  I do not get as anxious about dishes in the sink (for a short amount of time) or incorrect placement of pillows on the couch.  This too is a life changing experience for us J

imaginations at work!

Breast Cancer Super Bowl

Breast Cancer Super Bowl

In honor of the upcoming super bowl, I decided to have a little fun comparing football terms with breast cancer (BC).  All football definitions were taken straight from dictionary.com and www.dummies.com: “Common Football Terms to Know”, because I know nothing about football.  Some definitions were slightly modified only to make shorter.  I found some to be unnecessarily complex.  All BC definitions came directly from my brain to this blog.

END ZONE Football Definition: A 10-yard-long area at both ends of the field — the Promised Land for a football player. You score a touchdown when you enter the end zone in control of the football.

END ZONE BC Definition: The area of your life you are considered a “Cancer Survivor” - the Promised Land for those battling breast cancer.

SNAP Football Definition: The action in which the ball is hiked.  When the snap occurs, the ball is officially in play and action begins

SNAP BC Definition: The action is which the cancer is detected and your health is turned over to your doctor.  When the snap occurs, action begins immediately.

EXTRA POINT Football Definition: A kick, worth one point, that’s typically attempted after every touchdown.  It must sail between the uprights and above the crossbar of the goalpost to be considered good.

EXTRA POINT BC Definition:  Every year you are cancer free is worth an extra point.  You must be cleared by your oncologist for the point to be considered good.

HALFTIME Football Definition: the intermission or rest period between the two halves of a football game, during which spectators are often entertained by baton twirling, marching bands, or the like.
HALFTIME BC Definition: The intermission or rest period between surgery and/or chemo and/or radiation.  I can’t promise spectators baton twirling or a marching band, but may offer other forms of entertainment such as karaoke or jumping on a trampoline.

 FUMBLE Football Definition: The act of losing possession of the ball while running with it or being tackled.

FUMBLE BC Definition: The act of losing adherence to your chemo schedule due to infection or (gasp) missing an appointment.

 INTERCEPTION Football Definition: A pass that’s caught by a defensive player, ending the offense’s possession of the ball.

INTERCEPTION BC Definition: a relapse of signs and symptoms of cancer returning, ending your chance of a touchdown (see definition below).

 TACKLE Football Definition: A physical challenge to an opponent, as to prevent his progress with the ball. Examples include, seizing, grasping, or bringing down.

TACKLE BC Definition: A physical challenge to the patient, an attempt to prevent her progress with battling cancer.  Examples include infection, low blood counts, nausea, mouth sores, bone pain, blurred vision, and many more.

 HAIL MARY Football Definition: a long forward pass in football, especially as a last-ditch attempt at the end of a game, where completion is considered unlikely.

HAIL MARY BC Definition: When the patient opts out of treatments (surgery, chemo, and/or radiation) hoping and praying for a miracle.  Long term survival is considered unlikely.

TOUCHDOWN Football Definition: A score, worth six points, that occurs when a player in possession of the ball crosses the plane of the opponent’s goal line, or when a player catches the ball while in the opponent’s end zone, or when a defensive player recovers a loose ball in the opponent’s end zone.
TOUCHDOWN BC Definition: When you are officially considered “cancer free”!  Touchdown dance and celebration encouraged!

 Looking on the Bright Side…I have gained a lot of new information about football and I think it is going to come in handy as Coen continues to love the game, despite my lack of enthusiasm for the sport.

 

Goodbye Red Devil

Goodbye Red Devil

The worst may be behind me.  I just finished my fourth and final cycle of the chemo combination of Adriamycin and Cytoxan.  It has been 7 weeks and in another week this stuff with be out of my system.  I hope to never have to see these drugs again.  This drug combination is pretty intense and hard hitting and I feel like I was hit pretty hard.  Adriamycin (aka “the red devil”) has been especially difficult.  Adriamycin is a vesicant, meaning it’s a chemical that can cause extensive tissue damage and blistering if it escapes the vein so the nurses have to manually push it through the IV.  Very carefully.  Ugh, I shiver at the thought of seeing the red liquid cautiously entering my body, leaving its nasty side effects behind as a reminder.

 I have approximately 13 weeks left of chemo and 12 treatments.  Starting this week, I will go weekly for Taxol.  Apparently, Taxol (or at least the amount I’m getting per treatment) is not quite as rigorous and harsh on the body.  I am told that the side effects will most likely be milder than they were with the other drugs.  Some women even experience hair regrowth!  The Adriamycin and Cytoxan really affected my blood counts leaving me at a very increased risk for infection and needing two blood transfusions.  As if all that were not enough we have also had a lot going around our house.  Since Thanksgiving we have had the following illnesses

·         Ear infections (3 total)

·         Sinus infection

·         Croup (twice)

·         Fevers and cold symptoms (too many to count)

·         Cancer (one, but it's kind of major so I think it get's another mention)

Jeff and I have cleaned and re-cleaned our house so many times. We have washed and disinfected every possible surface and done enough hot water laundry that I’m surprised our laundry machines still work.  I am praying for a bit of break.  I think we deserve it.  All this illness is starting to get in the way of my desired optimistic attitude.  Even my “looking on the bright side” is kind of a downer. Hey, I’m trying!

Looking on the Bright Side…I have always joked that I would like to hibernate through the winter like some animals get to as I really dislike winter, cold, and snow.  I finally have my chance!  Unfortunately it’s not as cool as I thought it would be, at least under these circumstances.  Now I know.

Let's Talk About Hair

I am kind of nervous about my hair growing back.  I feel like I will be stuck in this really weird phase where I have some hair but not enough to really have a hair style.  It’s like when you’re pregnant and start to show but it isn’t exactly clear if it’s a baby or a big meal.  It’s a weird in between phase. I have never had super short hair.  I love the short cropped hairstyles on other people, but on me?  I guess I’ll find out.  Since having lost my hair, I have noticed how frequently hair is the topic of discussions.  People talk about hair a lot!  Magazines sometimes have their entire issue devoted to hair.  Not helpful at this point.  There are commercials about hair, books about hair, and billboards about hair.  There’s a musical about hair!  It’s everywhere.  I miss my hair, yet I am still uncomfortable wearing my wig.  I’m not really sure why.  I guess I’m afraid that it looks fake.  Is it better to have no hair or fake hair?  I have no idea.  My wig is very cute, but it is odd to not be able to run my hands through it and it gets itchy and hot sometimes.  I am also afraid that it is going to be inadvertently crooked or I’ll be too careless about keeping it straight.  That is something I’ve never had to worry about.  It’s a lot of pressure!  I’m going to start wearing it soon.  Pictures to come.   

Looking on the Bright Side…having no hair or “in between” hair still has to be better than that perm I was trying to rock in the fourth grade.  Even my 9 year old self knew how awful it was.  Picture NOT included.

Nipple Shopping

Nipple Shopping

I never thought I would be writing about my nipples.  Yet, here I am dedicating an entire post to nipples.  I guess it comes with the territory when you have breast cancer, you get free rein to discuss all things related to breasts.  I will be getting my second phase of breast reconstruction done eventually and I have been a bit curious about how it all works.  I am especially curious about getting new nipples.  Do I even need nipples?  I am pretty sure they will serve no purpose, other than to be aesthetically pleasing? I have this bizarre image of getting new nipples.  For whatever reason this is how I imagine it to be

I’m going nipple shopping at The Nipple Store.  I bring my husband with me in the same way that I would bring him to shop for new shoes; I sort of already know what I want, but I still want his opinion.  I envision the store to look like a jewelry store, the nipples are all displayed in glass cabinets that allow you to look, but are carefully protected.  We walk around the store and point out some that look “nice”.  The workers are very knowledgeable about nipples and it doesn’t seem weird at all to look and ask numerous questions.  In my mind, I have this weird vision that my new nipples will be transferrable.  Easy on and easy off.  Maybe like suction cups, stickers, or Velcro?  So convenient.  I think I’ll take two!

In reality, I’m actually not that far off.  There are various options for nipples including

·         Fake polyurethane removable nipples, seriously! 

·         Look alike nipple tattoo

·         Nipple reconstruction from your own tissue somewhere from your body

I have a lot of thinking to do!

Looking on the Bright Side…In my mind there is also a shoe store next door.  I better get some new shoes to go with my new look.