Scatter Brain

Scatter Brain

Chemo brain; another lovely side effect to have to deal with.  I have really noticed lately that my brain is so scattered.  Sometimes I can barely put a sentence together when speaking.  I will have conversations with someone and just not remember any of it!  Have you ever had one of those times when you arrive home and don’t remember a thing about the drive there?  You kind of wonder if you even obeyed the traffic laws because you can’t recall any of it?  This is how I feel all the time!  I just can’t focus.  I repeat things to people without realizing it.  Have you ever had one of those times when you arrive home and don’t remember a thing about the drive there?  You kind of wonder if you even obeyed the traffic laws because you can’t recall any of it?  This is how I feel all the time!  It’s embarrassing.  Did I already say that?  Sorry.  See there I go again!  I have a ton of examples of my memory failing me, but I honestly can’t think of any right now.  I’m not kidding.  Some days I can focus better than others.  Today is not one of those days.  I should have probably left the writing for another day.  Oh well.  I will sign off for now.  I am on my way to…somewhere…to do something.  It’s going to be a long day. It’s going to be a long day.  I will let the experts tell you more (from chemobrain.org).

Chemo Brain is used by cancer survivors to describe the change in memory, concentration, attention, as well as the ability to perform different mental tasks after the completion of chemotherapy treatment. The medical jargon refers chemo brain as either a cognitive deficit or decline in neuropsychological capability.

Some cancer patients are affected more by chemo brain than others. While for many the brain will recover over time, some patients experience seemingly more long-term effects. Whether temporary or permanent, these changes can make it difficult for one to function normally in their daily activities such as going to work, school, or social activities.

Chemo Brain Symptoms

·  Memory lapses for things that one can usually remember

·  Having trouble concentration or focusing

·  Cannot remember details such as names, dates, and events

·  Unable to multi-task or do more than one thing at a time

·  Thinking slower and taking longer to finishing a task

·  Trouble remembering common words or completing a sentence

Looking on the Bright Side…I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of a great excuse and I’m not afraid to use it.

A Puffy Heavier Me

A Puffy Heavier Me

Weight gain sucks.  As if cancer didn’t have enough downers, it has to throw weight gain and puffiness to my growing list of “more things to hate about cancer.”  I thought at least I would lose some weight during this ordeal but no, no, no.  Just another one of life’s current letdowns.  They just seem to keep coming.  I know that I shouldn’t be worried about this.  I know I should be happy just to be alive.  Blah blah blah.  Yeah, I agree it does seem really vain to be complaining about my weight but really, it’s so not fair.  If I have to be bald, pale, weak, scarred, etc., I would at least prefer to be skinny.  My clothes still fit but are much more snug (spell check/grammar check suggested that I replace “more snug” for “snugger” but that words sounds super weird to me so I apologize if “more snug” is somehow grammatically inferior to “snugger”).  Thanks to all the steroids in my body, months of inactivity, and a weird appetite I put on some weight.  Now that the weather has been nice and I have more energy I am hoping to get rid of those extra pounds.  I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a puffy version of myself looking back.  I miss my cheekbones.  In this weight and beauty obsessed world we live in I am not faring very well.  I appreciate all that the steroids do but I really wish it could be done without making me puff up.  My puffy reflection looks back at me very disappointed.  I want to tell her “it’s not my fault, don’t blame this on me.”  I have two weeks left of chemo (yay, it makes me giddy to think about and so ready to celebrate) and my hope is that completing chemo will mean the end of steroids!  I may have a small intimate party to specifically celebrate the puffiness subsiding.  Just me, my reflection, and some good lighting.  She deserves it. 

Looking on the Bright Side…cancer was a good excuse to eat lots of ice cream and muddy buddies, it’s not my fault that’s what would sooth my very confused stomach. 

The Less Obvious Things

The Less Obvious Things

Cancer changes things.  Being told you have cancer profoundly impacts all areas of your life.  It is sometimes difficult to remember life before cancer.  Although there have been major changes in my life thanks to my life being threatened, there are also many less obvious variations to my day now.  These are the kinds of things that you might not find in books dedicated to coping with cancer.

My Nose Hurts – I had read plenty about mouth sores and I experienced those a little bit at the beginning of chemo but the sores that have affected me even more are in my nose.  I begin every single day with a bloody nose.  I spend the first 10-15 minutes of my day tending to my bloody nose.  It has become part of my new and exciting life routine.  There are constantly sores inside my nose.  Also, one of the side effects of chemo is having a runny nose and my nose is persistently runny.  I have been through too many Kleenex boxes to count.  On some days I literally go through an entire box of Kleenex.  Seriously.

Food Aversions – I have come to terms with many things since my diagnosis including knowing that I cannot have any more children and knowing that cancer could ultimately end my life, but there is one more thing that has been very difficult for me to handle; I may never like mashed potatoes again!  Shocking, I know.  Up until now it has just been too hard to talk about but I think I’m ready now.  I am mourning the loss of mashed potatoes from my favorite foods list.  When I began chemo my appetite and my nausea were constantly competing against one another.  I could only eat certain things and keep it all down.  I made the mistake of giving in to one temptation…my beloved mashed potatoes.  I don’t know that I will ever love mashed potatoes again.  Seeing them now sends shivers down my spine.  I swear just looking at them invokes all the same nausea inducing symptoms that came with the first set of chemo drugs.  All my senses are suddenly transported back to that time.  I get that smell and feeling in my nose that makes me cringe.  I feel like I’m going to throw up.  I get that metallic taste in my mouth like I’ve been taste testing spoons.  Ugh.  Gross.  I hated that time.  It’s so unfortunate that I’ve had to lose my love of mashed potatoes for this.  I hate cancer. 

Thanks to cancer I will also never again be able to eat peach-mango yogurt smoothies from Schwan’s.  I also now have to eat applesauce with a baby spoon.  If I try to eat applesauce with a regular spoon, all I can taste is spoon and it doesn’t taste good!  So I eat my applesauce with one of those baby safety spoons that has the soft coated tip.  And yes, I look exactly as cool as you’re imagining. 

Bowel Movements – I am not only comfortable talking to the doctors and nurses about my bowel movements but I have come to expect to be asked about it at least once a week.

Looking on the Bright Side…I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything but I have also become pretty darn good at tying head scarves.  Just saying.  Toot toot!

Kids and Cancer

Kids and Cancer

My kids are truly amazing.  Sometimes I forget just how great they are.  During this whole ordeal they have been so resilient.  Diagnosed in October, cancer has become part of our lives.  It was with us for Halloween, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, Easter, and it’s still with us.  Cancer has inconvenienced our lives like an extremely unwelcomed guest.  And yet through all of it Coen and Brinley have been so good.  They have managed their emotions and become so considerate of our current situation.  We have had many discussions about cancer and I have been very open with letting them ask questions and trying to answer them as well as I can.  They have every right to be confused and angry.  They have every right to be upset when I am too tired to play with them. They have every right to be worried and sad when I have to go back to the hospital for more treatments.  And yet they aren’t.  They seem to understand what is happening without letting it disrupt their lives.  When I return home from chemo, they ask me how it went.  When I am too tired to play or go somewhere they find something else to do.  When they see I’m frustrated or in pain, they want to help.  They are coping so well. 

Now, I don’t want to paint an absolute perfect picture here.  Having two young kids is difficult enough, but having two young kids and cancer is really tough.  There are days when my patience runs low and their emotions run high.  There are days when we are all fed up with the energy and time that cancer demands.  Energy and time that used to be devoted to them is now reserved for cancer.  As much as we all wish things could be back to the way they were, we are doing okay.  Through those times of tears and disappointment and moments of confusion and frustration, they have ultimately been so brave.  I love them so much.  Despite all the chaos they continue to be their loving, imaginative, thoughtful, happy selves. 

Looking on the Bright Side…I have my husband to thank for how well the kids are dealing with this too.  They are learning from the example he sets and he continues to amaze me.

 

Satisfaction Gauranteed

Satisfaction Gauranteed

I don’t mean to go hating on chemo again, but are just so many things to hate about chemo!  One thing in particular really bothers me.  I asked my doctor about how we will know for sure that the chemo is working.  The answer, “we don’t know.”  Huh?  For real?  There is no absolute scientific way of knowing that chemo has successfully killed every single cancer cell.  It reduces the risk of cancer returning, but from there it’s a bit unknown.  It would be really nice if there was a way to know.  I want to see posters hanging around all those chemo chairs boasting “Satisfaction Guaranteed” and “100% Satisfied or Your Money Back!”  I want to know with certainty that the poison they are putting in my body is working.  Is that really too much to ask?

Would you do certain things if the results were unknown?  Let’s say you had someone come out to fix your broken refrigerator and when finished told you “okay it should work, but there is really no way of knowing for sure right now.  If all your food spoils, then we know it’s not working.  Oh by the way, you owe me $300.”  Um, that is not okay!

It would be nice to know if something is working properly.  I’m paying big bucks for all this medicine and it might not work?  I want to walk in to chemo and be treated like a VIP customer.  I would like to walk in and be greeted by name.  I want to be seated in a private room and I want to be offered something to drink or a snack to munch on.  I want to be comfortable and should be offered a blanket and pillow.  Does that sound unreasonable?  Wait.  Hold On.  This is exactly what happens every time I walk into chemo.  Have I mentioned before how awesome the nurses and staff there are?  Seriously amazing!  Now, we just need to work on that guarantee that the drugs are absolutely positively going to save my life and keep me cancer free forever or my money back!

Looking on the Bright Side...the nurses and staff at the hospital really are wonderful and I do feel like a VIP - Very Important Patient, and it's totally acceptable to wear sweatpants so that's an extra bonus.

WHY?!?!

WHY?!?!

I can’t help but ask WHY?  Why?  Why?  Why?  I realize I may never know the answer to why I got breast cancer, but I just wonder what caused this.  Is it something I ate or didn’t eat enough of?  Is it from some product I used or didn’t use? Maybe it’s the lotion I used, maybe it’s the laundry detergent, maybe it’s because I eat the exact same thing for breakfast and lunch every day for months at a time?  Can you get cancer from eating too many Cheerios, peanut butter sandwiches, and cottage cheese?  Maybe it was because I didn’t breastfeed my kids up until their 2^nd birthday?  Why did this happen?!?!

About a year ago I noticed that my lips were really chapped and sensitive and eventually they would get really puffy and bright red, and feel as though they were on fire.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  So, I continued to put chap stick on them numerous times a day.  When one type of lip balm wasn’t working I would buy a new one to try.  About 3 weeks and 12 various lip balms later, I figured it out.  I was allergic to lip balm.  Duh!  I was just applying and applying more chap stick, making things worse.  I was unintentionally nursing this allergic reaction. 

I wonder if I did the same thing regarding cancer.  Was I doing something that was just making things worse?  Was I adding fuel to the fire?  Were there signs that I should have seen?  Do I like asking myself so many questions?  Actually, it may be better that I don’t know why.  That would be some heavy knowledge to have to deal with.  I realize that breast cancer is not my fault and it is not productive to spend time wondering why I have this genetic abnormality.  I’m sure I could find more productive things to do, like organize my medicine cabinet and lip balm drawer.  I think I will do that now.

Looking on the Bright Side…although I can’t use it, we have a lifetime supply of lip balm at home. 

Make Me Up

Make Me Up

I have a new best friend, a few actually.  I have always enjoyed them, but now I rely on them.  I’m talking about makeup.  I have always loved makeup and the idea of makeup, I just didn’t wear a lot of it.  I would swipe on some mascara for sure and I was fine with just that.  Now, after going through treatments I have a whole new appreciation for makeup.  My favorites include an eyebrow pencil, eyeliner/shadow, and under eye concealer/brightener.  Wow, these products do amazing things for me now.  It gives the illusion that I have eyebrows, which is super helpful.  It gives the illusion that I am not missing all but 8 of my eyelashes, and it miraculously minimizes the dark spots under my eyes that have been present probably since my diagnosis. 

I even wear foundation now.  After I have chemo, my face tends to get really red.  On the actual chemo days I leave the hospital with a really bizarre redness.  Some days it is mainly just above my mouth like a red mustache and other days it is above, around, and under my mouth like a weird red goatee.  It is as weird as it sounds.  I tell you cancer has been so full of surprises!  Anyway, I use foundation to cover that up when needed.  Thanks to the “Look Good, Feel Better” program I received a lot of really good quality makeup.  The only thing I don’t wear now is the one thing I usually didn’t leave the house without, mascara.  I can’t risk losing my 8 remaining lashes, plus it is very peculiar to have to apply mascara to one lash at a time.  Trust me on this one.

Looking on the Bright Side…the makeup must be working because there is a definite increase in compliments when I wear it vs. when I don’t!