Wishes

Wishes

Yesterday we celebrated the beginning of Chinese New Year.  It was really nice.  I feel like I am turning a corner.  I’ve had five continuous days of feeling well!  No nausea or major issues with eating, other than I’m not really hungry.  No major headaches or mouth sores!  I even have a little energy back.  It felt like the perfect time to celebrate a new beginning.  I had a friend come to town and visit and we had a chance to catch up.  It felt like a normal weekend…minus all the Chinese music playing in the house and our surplus of dragon and snake decorations.  While eating our Chinese dinner, we talked about our wishes for the year.  The kids wished that all the Chinese people have a great New Year and that cancer would be gone forever.  I think that’s perfect.  From our family to yours 萬事如意Wànshìrúyì - "May all your wishes be fulfilled."  

Looking on the Bright Side…Coen has also mentioned that he wants to invent medicine that will get rid of cancer forever.  Isn’t that so sweet?  He also wants to invent pajama bottoms that turn from pants to shorts with a touch of a button.  He’s quite ambitious.

The kids with their dragon.  This is what they used when dancing. 

They were occupied for hours!

Enjoying a Chinese dinner.

 

I tried to upload a video of their dancing but wasn't able to.  Your going to have to trust me that is was really cool:)

Looking in the Mirror

Looking in the Mirror

For the longest time, it was hard to look in the mirror and see myself not only without hair but also looking so sick.  My blood counts have taken a beating with chemotherapy, therefore so has my appearance.  My face and lips have no color and my eyes look sunken in.  I look very sick.  I don’t like to go out looking this way.  It’s obvious enough with my scarf that I have cancer, but it just makes it so much worse when I look like I’m terribly ill with cancer.  I see the way people look at me and then pretend they aren’t.  I know what they are thinking.  It’s been easier to just not go out and see people, whether they are people I know or strangers.  I realized recently that I’m starting to get used to looking this way.  It’s kind of a dreadful feeling, but one that I hope is temporary.

Imagine my surprise when I look in the mirror this morning and I have color.  My lips were pink!  My cheeks were rosy!  My eyes were not sunken in and they looked normal! I still look like I have cancer (thanks to the no hair on my head and very sparse eyebrows and eyelashes) but I don’t look like I’m dying of cancer.  There is a huge difference.  Let’s be honest, that’s what people were seeing and thinking; I looked like a ghost.  Not today.  I had to do a double take in the mirror.  Then a triple take.  It was the most beautiful site, I nearly cried.  I went downstairs to ask Jeff if he noticed anything different about me.  He carefully said “yes”, but I could tell he was nervous like I was trying to set him up or something so I answered the question for him.  “Look at my face, I have color!”  He could see it too and noticing my good mood was not about to say anything to ruin it.  Then I remembered that I was surprised yesterday when getting chemo and the nurse checking my vitals said I was running a small fever.  Oh great!  Maybe this color on my face is from a fever, but I don’t feel feverish.  I got the thermometer and holding my breath waited for the result.  Yes! 97.5 degrees!  No fever!  This is so great.  It’s funny how having cancer (or any life changing event) can change your perspective.  Suddenly, I find myself much more appreciative of the simple things in life.  I don’t recall ever waking up and being so excited to see my reflection in the mirror, looking “normal” and “healthy”.  It’s so easy to take that kind of thing for granted. 

Looking on the Bright Side…this gives me a great excuse to go out and go shopping.  Target’s not going to know what hit them, when I come in with my new complexion!

Check it out!  I know your probably thinking "Really? This is what she's so excited about."  Trust me, okay.  I don't have a comparison picture to show you because pictures of sick Angie were not allowed.  This is me looking good.  (My face is puffy thanks so all the steroids.)

Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Chinese New Year

These last few months have obviously been very difficult for me and my family.  I was diagnosed in October so Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year were all celebrated but not with the same amount of energy and enthusiasm as normal.  Now that things are supposed to be getting easier and I have been having some better days, I have the energy to do more than I did October – December.  I was putting visual icons of the 2013 holidays on the kids’ calendar and came across the upcoming Chinese New Year (it begins Feb. 10^th) and in the moment decided we were going to celebrate it this year and we are going all out!  We have made dragons and signs.  This is the year of the snake, so the kids have made some snakes to decorate the house.  I’m also planning a trip to Party City for more party supplies and decorations and we will enjoy a Chinese dinner.  This is going to be the best Chinese New Year ever!

Looking on the Bright Side… I might not have been able to give them the best Christmas they’ve ever had, but this is going to be a Chinese New Year they will never forget! 

Junkie

Junkie

Once again I have been feeling extremely fatigued, short of breath, dizzy, and my heart has been racing.  So I went in early for my CBC hoping to get some relief before the headaches start (see SMACK: metal baseball bat to the head feeling) and once again my hemoglobin levels are low.  They are very low, but not super low and my oncologist prefers not to do another blood transfusion.  Apparently there are risks associated with too many transfusions and he doesn’t want to risk it.  Okay, fine but in the meantime I’m really struggling here.  I’m supposed to just rest and try not to do much of anything at all to not overwork my heart and under blooded body.  As the nurses were relaying this information to me I could feel myself getting upset.  I just want to feel better, is that too much to ask?  Just give me some blood!!!  I considered pleading or begging if needed for some blood but I don’t want to be one of those patients and of course they know best.  Also, I am starting to feel like a junkie.  Can a person be addicted to blood transfusions?  OMG, I am a junkie!!!  I am a blood junkie…or maybe I’m a vampire…or (wait for it) a vampire junkie!!!  No that’s ridiculous, right?  Right?  I have chemo tomorrow so they will check my levels once again, maybe there is hope for me yet.  The nurse yesterday made a comment that the good news is I don’t have to spend 5 hours of my Wednesday at the hospital getting another blood transfusion (that is great news, kind of) and she said there are probably a million other things that I would rather do (true, kind of).  I agreed with her as I don’t want her to know that I may or may not be a vampire junkie, but the problem is although there are certainly plenty of things I would rather be doing I don’t have the energy or stamina to do much of anything other than watch TV, read, sleep, or be on the computer.  That is the problem.  Okay, time for my nap.  I’m exhausted.  It is 8:37 am!  Agghhhh!!!

Looking on the Bright Side…my mom took Brinley for the week so that saves me a lot of energy.  Also, she often accompanies me to my CBC’s and I don’t want her to see me begging for blood (if it comes to that). 

Escape!!!

Escape

I really want to get away.  I want to go on vacation and forget about everything else.  My life is so consumed by cancer right now and I just want to escape, preferably to an all-inclusive resort anywhere in the Caribbean.  Some days I feel trapped by cancer.  I’m pretty sure the only real cure for that is the sun, beach, and lots of drinks!  Jeff and I are going to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this July and I should also be finished with all my treatments by then so we are determined to take a trip.  I just want to escape.  I want to go to a place where “cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, and drugs” are replaced with “relaxation, the beach, swimming, food, and alcohol.”  I will be ready to celebrate and put this behind me, at least for 7-10 days!

Looking on the Bright Side…there is a vacation at the end of this very long and very dark tunnel, I can see the light!

 

 

  yes please

Taxol: Round 1

Taxol: Round 1

Starting a new chemo drug seems a little bit like an experiment.  It’s a bit uncertain how your body will react.  This new drug has not been as easy as I had hoped…yet.  I am still optimistic.  I haven’t had much of an appetite this time around.  I eat cereal, tortilla chips, and breadsticks.  I’m not nauseous at all so that’s been nice.  I do have some issues with peripheral neuropathy which is a numbness in the hands and feet; I was told to expect that.  I have also had some numbness in my right arm, some chest heaviness, and cramps/body aches.  I was hoping to feel so much better, so I’m a little disappointed with all these symptoms.  My cancer friend has gone through her first two rounds of chemo and her blood counts and numbers have all been coming back perfectly, this is awesome for her!  Her body is handling the chemo really well and she has been given the okay to go out and be with people without the looming threat of infection.  I was joking with her that she has been getting an “A” on all her tests and I have been flunking.  The nurses come back to me with my numbers sighing and say things like “well your hemoglobin is really low again, so we scheduled a blood transfusion for tomorrow morning” and “your white blood count is literally at zero, so your body is incapable of fighting off infections.  You are not allowed to go anywhere for a few days.”  I have another CBC (complete blood count) on Thursday before chemo and I am hoping for at least a “D”.  It would be nice to not flunk for a change. 

Looking on the Bright Side…when you consistently flunk all your tests, a “D” doesn’t seem so bad.  I’ll be happy just to pass.

So Many Emotions

So Many Emotions

I have been through a roller coaster of feelings since being diagnosed with cancer.  I spend most of my days happy, grateful, and content with the amazing life I have.  I don’t want you to think I am depressed or anything, but I have been in a bit of a funk lately.  I decided to reflect on my state of mind and really look at the complexities of my emotions resulting in my sometimes gloomy mood.  I listed some of the events in my (admittedly sheltered and comfortable) life that have resulted in the following emotions.

Frustration – When good teachers don’t get the credit and appreciation they deserve.  When my kids cry because they don’t want to take a bath and then they cry because they don’t want to get out of the bathtub.  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Fearful – Being around dogs, cats, birds, squirrels, horses, any and all animals really.  Pennies (they are very dirty and I hate the smell).  Being diagnosed with cancer!    

Sad – The death of my grandparents.  When someone refers to me as “that lady who’s scared of pennies.”  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Confusion – Wondering how the hamper is always full no matter how much laundry I do?  What is my favorite color?  Why do I have cancer?

Anxiety – The first day of school (from kindergarten to present).  Seeing people sneeze and cough into their hands (catch those germs in your arm/elbow people!).  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Shock – Discovering that I was pregnant with my second child…when my first child was only four months old!  The Milli Vanilli lip syncing scandal!  Being diagnosed with cancer!

Disbelief – The continued medical advancements in this world.  Wondering if this season of “The Bachelor” will really be the most dramatic season yet? Being diagnosed with cancer!

I think there is a common theme to these feelings.  Cancer brings a lot of emotions!

Looking on the Bright Side…cancer also puts life into perspective and I am more appreciative than ever of all the things that make me happy!

 

I share her feelings!