Cancer Free

Cancer Free

I am finished with radiation and finished with treatments.  This day seemed so far away for so long.  I never let myself get too excited for it just in case it didn’t happen.  Cancer doesn’t follow a predictable schedule or pattern if it doesn’t want to and I wanted to protect myself from epic disappointment if things went askew.  Now it’s finally here!  I can finally consider myself a cancer survivor.  I am carefully optimistic that I will get my life back.  Cancer changed my life considerably for a while and it took so much away from me.  I had to just watch and let it happen.  I am ready to take my life back.  I slowly feel more and more like the Angie I was before.  I have to hope that every follow up visit with all my doctors will confirm that the cancer is gone.  It is still difficult to grasp that I may be in the clear or that I may find myself back to the place I so desperately fought to leave.  I am cautious not to let myself be too fearful or too confident.  For now though, I will celebrate what I know.  I know that treatments are done.  I know that I am considered “cancer free”.  I know that no matter what happens I have my family and friends to help get me through it.  I know to be thankful for all that I have. 

Looking on the Bright Side…I am cancer free and ready to celebrate it! 

Burn, Baby, Burn

Burn, Baby, Burn

I am finished with radiation but radiation is not quite finished with me.  Unfortunately, the effects of radiation continue past the last treatment.  My skin went from feeling like a really bad sunburn to feeling more and more like a scalding burn.  To be honest, it hurts, a lot.  It is painful.  I can barely stand to have anything touching it.  Bras?  No thanks, I have been going without.  Thanks to my super perky and nipple-less breasts it isn’t completely inappropriate to be in public braless.   However, it is inappropriate to be in public shirtless and since it hurts to have anything up against my skin, it is problematic.  I prefer to have nothing on for now.  I moisturize the burnt area like it’s my job.  My skin is peeling, but the new skin under it looks “really nice” according to the (truly wonderful) medical staff who burn skin for a living.  I have gotten so many weird compliments since all this started

·         I have a nicely shaped bald head, apparently

·         My hair regrowth comes in nice and even, apparently

·         I have amazing range of motion on my right arm since the node removal surgery and after very thorough measurements my right and left arms are nearly identical size (not swollen from lymphedema), apparently

·         I do a nice job of applying eyebrows symmetrically, except that one time

I mean it’s not every day that someone compliments how proportionately equal your arms are.  Other than the painfully burnt skin and limitations on being in public naked from the waist up I am doing well.  Soon, I will be out and about, without the risk of an indecent exposure arrest, enjoying life again. 

Looking on the Bright Side…being done with radiation means my skin can finally heal!  No more going back in to burn my already burnt boobie.  

 

Burnt and Crispy

Burnt and Crispy

Radiation continues and I’m tiring of the daily visits to the cancer center.  My skin went from pink and irritated to red and sensitive, to red, slightly blistery, brown, leathery, and sore.  Every visit brings a little bit more pain.  The area right below my under arm is the most burnt and sensitive.  It literally looks and feels like leather.  Even tan mom (remember her?) would be grossed out by it.  It all resembles a horrible sunburn, but instead of letting it heal, it’s as though I go right back to laying out in an intensely hot sun.  Every day I smother myself with lotion and now I add a layer of Aquafor on top of that.  My radiation oncologist continues to praise how well my skin is reacting considering I’m on my last week.  He said this is pretty typical and he’s happy to see that I do not yet have any peeling skin or open wounds.  He gave me a prescription strength burn cream to have on hand in case that changes.  I hope I won’t need it.

I try to keep my arm from rubbing against the burnt skin area and have taken to wearing my neck pillow around my waist to keep my arm at a safe distance from my crispy skin.  I know now the perfect gift to give someone who is diagnosed with breast cancer and has to go through surgery, chemo, and radiation.  A neck pillow and a sleep mask.  If you want to be really practical a gazillion boxes of tissues would also be useful. 

I have only two treatments left and as my kids would say “I’m almost done with cancer.”  I have been at the cancer center almost every day for the last six weeks and 1-2 times a week for five months prior to that.  When I wasn’t visiting that place I was stuck at home recovering from surgery.  After Friday, I don’t have another oncology appointment for a month.  A month, I say!

Looking on the Bright Side…It will feel weird, but I am happy not to have to see all the wonderful people who work at the hospital on a regular basis. 

Residual Effects

Residual Effects

Cancer has been a crazy whirlwind of an experience.  The list of side effects has been long and overwhelming.  Having been through 9 months of treatments and being almost finished there are still a few residual effects of having been through so much. 

1.     I have been to the doctor’s office/hospital/cancer center so many times that I now automatically assume all doctors and nurses are going to want to check my breasts.  I am worried that I will accidently give my dentist and optometrist quite an eyeful.  Surprise. 

2.    I feel the need to have a doctor’s note for anything I do.  When you are going through treatment for cancer, you would be surprised at how many people won’t touch you unless you have written permission from your doctor.  Now when I go somewhere I have my oncologist sign off on it: Angie (patient) is allowed to check out books from the library.  Just in case.

3.    I make routine trips to the pharmacy because there always seems to be something there for me.  It’s like a fun new surprise at every visit.  I just never know what’s waiting for me.  It is so exhilarating to open up that CVS bag and pull out the drug.  Is it something new?  Have I had it before?  What are the side effects?  How many pills do I get in a day?  Will I need refills?  Can I pronounce the name?  Do I take it with or without food?  The excitement just doesn’t end.  Another gift for me.  You shouldn’t have!  Those pharmacists really know how to make a girl feel special.   

4.    Every time I have to fill out a new health history form I consider it a challenge.  I try to fill it all out in under 10 minutes.  When I successfully complete this challenge and I return it to the receptionist with a smug look of accomplishment on my face and she reciprocates with an “I don’t care” or “why are you looking at me like that?” look back at me.  I don’t expect a trophy or anything, although it would be nice.

5.    I have learned just how quickly life can change.  One day you’re going about your regular day and the next you can find a lump that will turn your world upside down.  I have learned to be thankful for all the things I have. 

Looking on the Bright Side…This experience has also shown me what an amazing group of people I have in my life.  The support I have received has been incredible and I will be forever grateful for that.

I'm Almost Done!

I’m Almost Done! 

I have been going through the daily mundane radiation process.  My skin gets a little bit more red and irritated every day but it is “looking pretty good” according to my doctors.  I have to just take their word for it, I guess. 

I noticed last week I had a small rash on the center of my chest and figured it was related to the radiation.  Then the rash spread to my neck, and then to my face, and then to my shoulders.  I wake up on Monday morning with my right eye partially swollen close and a very obvious raised red rash from the chest up.  Just what I needed.  It looked as if I had wiped poison ivy on myself.  For the record, I had not.  I went in to see my radiation oncologist and he is unsure what it is, but says it is not related to the radiation.  He wants my medical oncologist to look at it though just to be sure.  He wasn’t in yet, so the nurse practitioner takes a peek.  She says it is not shingles or chicken pox.  Great, so we can rule out a few things.  It’s NOT poison ivy, radiation side effects, or shingles.  Now if only we could figure it out.  Unfortunately, we cannot.  They give me a steroid pack and it takes away most of the itchiness (ahhh) and reduces some of the redness and puffiness.  From far away, I look alright.  As you get closer, you see that my skin is still pretty irritated. 

I have to remind myself that I’m almost done.  Other than this crazy random rash, the sunburnt boob area, fatigue, and my fingernails*, things are going quite well.  I am beginning to feel like I’m getting some of myself back.

*Three of my fingernails are very sensitive and the fingernails have lifted off the nail bed, one is dangerously close to falling off.  This is a lingering side effect from chemo.  With the nail not bound to the nail bed it can be an issue if bacteria enters.  I have to be sure to have excellent hygiene to prevent an infection.  Lucky for me, excellent hygiene and hand washing are skills I happen to be pretty awesome at.  Nail polish also covers the discoloration nicely.

Looking on the Bright Side… I have 21 radiation treatments down and 7 to go!  On July 12^th I will be finished!!!